I can do this.

I’m having a rough day. Day?…what am I saying, I’m having a rough week, month, semester. I don’t know why this rut is lasting so long, but I can tell you I sure don’t like it.

The sun has disappeared and the gloomy, cold days have been bringing me down. I haven’t worked out since Thursday and my motivation seems to be missing again, as it had been for most of the winter months.

I don’t know what my problem is, exactly, because I myself can’t even describe it. I have a feeling it has to do with my stress levels, weight gain and loss of companionship.

I have put so much weight on in the last two years. After the car accident, being depressed and eating everything in sight really packed on the pounds. When I stepped on the scale last November, I nearly cried. I would have if Jill wasn’t sitting in the car waiting for me to come out of the doctor’s office to spend the day shopping in Branson. It knew my weight was out of hand and had gotten bad again, but I didn’t realize how bad.

I have tried and failed numerous times this semester to get back on track – bought a gym membership, tried new foods, started a Facebook group to keep friends and myself accountable. Nothing is working. My stress levels and amount of things to do has kept me away from the gym and at the bottom of a box of cookies.

So this last week, when my stress levels peaked and I finished consuming the copious amount of Easter candy I received, I really withdrew and took a few steps backward in what little progress I had made. I had planned to eat better and stop drinking after break, but last night, I got drunk by myself. I finished off two bottles of wine before I moved on to a margarita (completely accompanied by pita chips and hummus, topped off with Thin Mint cookies). By the time I passed out, I knew how I would feel today. When I woke up at 2:30am, my heart was racing and I felt dizzy. Being drunk isn’t something I do much anymore (college has actually matured me quite a bit), but after being upset and overwhelmed this weekend, wine seemed to be the best answer. I knew that it wasn’t the right answer, but at the time, I let my emotions get the best of me.

As terrible as I feel today, though, it has really put things into perspective for me again.

I REMEMBERED THAT I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MAKE A CHANGE IN MY LIFE.

I am what is holding me back.

 No one else. I’m the only one who can make my decisions for me. I am the person who has the ability to make myself get up an hour early to workout. I am the one who can decide to stop talking to a “friend” who isn’t being a good friend or a guy who is a waste of time. I am the person who chooses to follow God and not the worldly crowd. It’s me, I am the only one.

It isn’t easy. It hasn’t been, nor is it going to be. I can do this though, I just have to stick with it and hold myself to it. I have to work on changing my thoughts to change my actions.

I can do this.

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