Here we go…again.

Do you ever feel like you’re stuck in a rut, and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get out? I know what you’re thinking, “yeah, doesn’t everyone?”. Well, yes. I’m sure that everyone does get stuck in ruts. But why does that happen? I know life isn’t meant to be easy, but does it really have to be THIS difficult?

Maybe it’s just me. Let me be completely honest, I have a VERY good life. A roof over my head, a good job, a car that runs, getting an education, amazing parents, supportive friends – everything a girl could want. So why am I not happy? …I wish I knew.

Ever since the car accident, it’s like my feelings are not my own. It seems so silly to blame all the things that go wrong on that accident, but in reality, everything changed after that day. I can’t workout like I use to (obviously I make up for it in what I eat, as I’ve gained back the 30 pounds I had lost prior to the accident), I have lost my happy-go-lucky personality and my anxiety/emotions are all out of whack. I can’t remember anything now, when my memory use to be so keen before. I ache all over. I feel like an 85 year-old-woman stuck in this sore, tired, fat 22 year-old body. I hate it so much.

And when I try to fix it – go to church, start working out and eating better, pick up more hours at work – it (my life) just seems to get more messed up. For example, I was back into a motivation mode (one that I’ve been missing for months). I was up and running and eating better (okay, only for three days but it was a strong, solid start!)…and then while running, I rolled my foot off the path and haven’t been to the gym in four days. In fact, I’ve barely moved far from the couch, even missing two days of work.

WHY CAN’T I WIN?!

I know that isn’t the way to be. That there is a reason for everything and that I should be happy and thankful with where I am, right here, right in this moment. But how can you make yourself realize how truly happy you are when all of your circumstances and feelings make you feel so bad? I just don’t get it.

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