You know that feeling you get when you finally get to see someone that you haven’t seen in ages? That feeling of happiness, mixed with excitement, mixed with about ten other different feelings?
Try a two and a half year time span since you’ve last seen this person. Then, consider the fact that you never really “ended” the friendship, you just kind of fell away from each other. Add in a wedding you purposefully missed, deleting them from Facebook, a few new friends and life lessons, and then toss in a baby, then you might have an idea of what I experienced today.
Walking up to that hospital room, I was shaking uncontrollably and my heart was racing so fast I could feel it outside of my chest. I didn’t know what I was getting ready to walk into. When Tim opened the door, he had the most confused look on his face. When he told Lindsay who it was, I instantly heard the surprise in her voice. I’m sure in a million years she wouldn’t have imagined me showing up in her hospital room at 6pm on a Friday night, especially when I hadn’t even spoken to her in over two years, minus the two birthday texts I sent, because I could never not tell her happy birthday.
She welcomed me with the biggest smile and open arms. As cheesy as it sounds, it was comfortable. It was exactly where I was meant to be in that moment. It went a hundred times better than I could have expected. I figured she had to have hated me after the way I just dropped her so long ago, after I had ignored an invitation to her wedding, after I had never tried. But at the time we had stopped talking, she got caught up with her now husband, and did what she always did when she got a boyfriend, she ignored me. And I did what I do all-too-often, I got hurt and I turned that hurt into bitterness.
But I’ve grown up over the years, or so I would like to think that I have. She’s been on my heart for weeks now, since before mom told me that she had seen Linds at church a month ago. But I wouldn’t text or call, or add her on Facebook, or stop by. I fought that tug in my heart, but I didn’t know why. I kept fighting, because that’s what I do. With her. With Paul. With Jodi. With Hannah. With Aaron. With everyone who has ever hurt me. I shut them out and I harden myself to any feelings I have towards them, in order to not get hurt again. Honestly, it’s pointless. Not having the people who mean the most to you in your life hurts no matter how much you try to shut it out. And so I’ve decided to mend the friendships I can and move on from the ones that I can’t.
I’ve realized that I have a handful of truly amazing friends. Ones that I know will be there for me, 110%, whenever and wherever I need. I have Lindsay again, who will always and forever be my very best friend. I have Samantha, who I can always instantly fall back into step with, no matter how many miles are between us. I have Liana, who has been there since we were five years old, even though we spent years not being super close, she’s still always been there. Then there’s Greg, and without his wit and inappropriateness, I just don’t know what I would do. And finally, there is Sara, who I knew in high school, but have only had the pleasure of truly becoming friends with in the last few years.
I have a lot of good friends, too. Ones that I go out with, ones I work with, ones that I get to see often. But that handful of people right there, those are the ones who I can truly count on, and whom I would like to think can count on me.
Sometimes, I forget to stop and count my blessings. Sometimes, I forget to thank God for the amazing people he has placed in my life. Sometimes, I just forget how incredibly lucky I am.
No more though. Not anymore.