CONTENT WARNING: This blog post will be a very mushy, sentimental lovey-dovey post, yet it will contain bits of anger, hurt and revenge. Continue if you dare, change the page if you must.
I have willed myself away from being this person. The person who gives absolutely everything to everyone. Why did I used to be this way? Because I liked to be liked, I longed to be accepted, I had need to be needed and a desire to be loved. I am, after all, only human. And a female, I might add.
Also, I am at this age and time in my life is which Eric Erikson’s stages of development theory refers to as, emerging adulthood, also known as the “intimacy versus isolation” stage. In this stage, one either forms secure, young relationships or becomes isolated, lonely and depressed.
Well, what about those of us who are stuck in between? Erikson must have forgotten about us.
What about those who have experienced faithful, secure friendships without the promise of happily ever after? What happens when friendships fall apart and you’re left standing on the sidelines by yourself, with no one to hold your secrets? Well, Erikson’s stages of development are really more to do with attachment, which deals with love, which is obviously more of a relationship > friendship subject…so back to the main purpose of my post.
What happens when people just leave? This is it, the sappy part of the post where I tell you how I fell madly in love with a boy who said he loved me, but it ended. And so, my life as I knew it ended as well.
I’m not THAT kind of girl. I am strong, smart and independent. I will be graduating in less than FOUR months with degrees in Mass and Corporate Communications, and a minor in Psychology. I am in the top 10 percentile of my graduating class and act as residing president of my Alpha Chi Honors chapter. I already have a job offer and am looking into graduate schools in far-away places. I’m up at dawn, working out and doing devotions. I spend time with my friends and family, write letters to those who aren’t nearby andy enjoy happy hour once in a blue moon. I have my own life and I love every second of it.
I don’t need (and rarely want) a guy. Sure, the cute goodnight texts, the strong arms to hold you, the sweet nothings whispered…they’re all great things, but they aren’t necessary. I have a lot of living left to do before I tie myself down.
I was in love once. I found a boy who was my everything, and I would have given him the world if I could. Moon and stars and all. I would have moved the mountains had he asked. But he didn’t. He let me stand by him through deployments and crazy girlfriends, yet he walked away the second he didn’t need me anymore. He walked away without so much as a goodbye.
I stopped texting, it was easy enough. I still missed him (still do, actually), but my pride is so much bigger than my heart sometimes that I just don’t even let it affect me. I remind myself of what he did to me, and how much better off I am without him. But it doesn’t let me forget the amazing friendship we shared, the long Skypes, the phone calls at 3am…I haven’t forgotten any of it, and maybe that’s the problem.
Or maybe it’s that he’s talking to someone who was supposed to be my friend? Sure, it’s one thing to sleep with the guy I talked to for a week and then stood up at a bar. I can get over that, even if I did have to find out about it from someone else. But with someone I loved? WHO DOES THAT?! Apparently, my “friend”. I think the worst part is that she blamed me for overreacting about finding out she slept with the other kid (I simply asked if it was true and told her it was crummy that I had to hear it from someone else, instead of her, but that it was whatever…that’s definitely overreacting, I guess), and even when I apologized for supposedly hurting her, she felt okay enough to tell me that she didn’t think she was wrong and we couldn’t be friends. But ohhhh, it’s my fault? Well, is she wrong now that she’s stabbing ME in the back? Or is that just how she plays with revenge?
Now, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself and jumping to conclusions. I can’t help that the facts line up and I wouldn’t put it past her. But time will tell. Time always tells, and sadly, time tells long before people are ever honest with you.
I know I’m better off without both of them, but being lied to and stabbed in the back isn’t something you can take with a grain of salt. So I confide in my REAL friends and vent in a blog post. Mainly because no one I personally know is aware of my blog (maybe one person, but that’s probably it), and the rest are all of you poor souls who have actually put up with this terribly pathetic and grammatically incorrect post through it’s entirety. Saying anything on Twitter would cause too many questions and story rehashing, and I’m just not in the mood.
Honestly, if it wasn’t for being hurt by the actions (on top of missing the friendships I had with both of these people) I think I’d be over it. I’m practically over it, I just…needed to get it off my chest, one last time.
And now, I have.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.