So let’s set the record straight.

CONTENT WARNING: This blog post will be a very mushy, sentimental lovey-dovey post, yet it will contain bits of anger, hurt and revenge. Continue if you dare, change the page if you must.

I have willed myself away from being this person. The person who gives absolutely everything to everyone. Why did I used to be this way? Because I liked to be liked, I longed to be accepted, I had need to be needed and a desire to be loved. I am, after all, only human. And a female, I might add.

Also, I am at this age and time in my life is which Eric Erikson’s stages of development theory refers to as, emerging adulthoodalso known as the “intimacy versus isolation” stage. In this stage, one either forms secure, young relationships or becomes isolated, lonely and depressed.

Well, what about those of us who are stuck in between? Erikson must have forgotten about us.

What about those who have experienced faithful, secure friendships without the promise of happily ever after? What happens when friendships fall apart and you’re left standing on the sidelines by yourself, with no one to hold your secrets? Well, Erikson’s stages of development are really more to do with attachment, which deals with love, which is obviously more of a relationship > friendship subject…so back to the main purpose of my post.

What happens when people just leave? This is it, the sappy part of the post where I tell you how I fell madly in love with a boy who said he loved me, but it ended. And so, my life as I knew it ended as well.

JUST KIDDING.

I’m not THAT kind of girl. I am strong, smart and independent. I will be graduating in less than FOUR months with degrees in Mass and Corporate Communications, and a minor in Psychology. I am in the top 10 percentile of my graduating class and act as residing president of my Alpha Chi Honors chapter. I already have a job offer and am looking into graduate schools in far-away places. I’m up at dawn, working out and doing devotions. I spend time with my friends and family, write letters to those who aren’t nearby andy enjoy happy hour once in a blue moon. I have my own life and I love every second of it.

I don’t need (and rarely want) a guy. Sure, the cute goodnight texts, the strong arms to hold you, the sweet nothings whispered…they’re all great things, but they aren’t necessary. I have a lot of living left to do before I tie myself down.

I was in love once. I found a boy who was my everything, and I would have given him the world if I could. Moon and stars and all. I would have moved the mountains had he asked. But he didn’t. He let me stand by him through deployments and crazy girlfriends, yet he walked away the second he didn’t need me anymore. He walked away without so much as a goodbye.

I stopped texting, it was easy enough. I still missed him (still do, actually), but my pride is so much bigger than my heart sometimes that I just don’t even let it affect me. I remind myself of what he did to me, and how much better off I am without him. But it doesn’t let me forget the amazing friendship we shared, the long Skypes, the phone calls at 3am…I haven’t forgotten any of it, and maybe that’s the problem.

Or maybe it’s that he’s talking to someone who was supposed to be my friend? Sure, it’s one thing to sleep with the guy I talked to for a week and then stood up at a bar. I can get over that, even if I did have to find out about it from someone else. But with someone I loved? WHO DOES THAT?! Apparently, my “friend”. I think the worst part is that she blamed me for overreacting about finding out she slept with the other kid (I simply asked if it was true and told her it was crummy that I had to hear it from someone else, instead of her, but that it was whatever…that’s definitely overreacting, I guess), and even when I apologized for supposedly hurting her, she felt okay enough to tell me that she didn’t think she was wrong and we couldn’t be friends. But ohhhh, it’s my fault? Well, is she wrong now that she’s stabbing ME in the back? Or is that just how she plays with revenge?

Now, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself and jumping to conclusions. I can’t help that the facts line up and I wouldn’t put it past her. But time will tell. Time always tells, and sadly, time tells long before people are ever honest with you.

I know I’m better off without both of them, but being lied to and stabbed in the back isn’t something you can take with a grain of salt. So I confide in my REAL friends and vent in a blog post. Mainly because no one I personally know is aware of my blog (maybe one person, but that’s probably it), and the rest are all of you poor souls who have actually put up with this terribly pathetic and grammatically incorrect post through it’s entirety. Saying anything on Twitter would cause too many questions and story rehashing, and I’m just not in the mood.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for being hurt by the actions (on top of missing the friendships I had with both of these people) I think I’d be over it. I’m practically over it, I just…needed to get it off my chest, one last time.

And now, I have.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.

This may get easier someday, but not today.

I’ve nearly accepted the fact that Matt is gone. It’s been so hard to wrap my head around it and all I’ve done is cry the last few days, but I’m beginning to accept that I’m just going to have to wait until I get to Heaven to hear his laugh again. It doesn’t mean I’m done crying, and it doesn’t mean that I’m not going to think about him everyday, but it means that I’ve nearly accepted it. I have some of the best memories with Matt and nothing can take those away from me.

I’m starting my workouts back up after my weekend off. I’m not looking forward to it, but know I’ll feel amazing afterwards. I’ve just had no energy the last few days! Honestly, I’m not sure how I made it through this weekend but having so much going on kept me busy and my mind off things. Friday I worked and then went to the Festival of the Little Hills with my mom and Chantal. We ate amazing greek food and walked around for a bit. Then Saturday I worked all day, grabbed dinner and a nap, then went back down to the festival with Melissa. I found a few Christmas gifts and then we came back to my apartment and watched The Hunger Games and talked. I’m not a HUGE movie fan, and usually catch the movies about 3 years after they come out, but she talked me into watching it, and I didn’t hate it. We were up pretty late, but I still made sure to get up for church on Sunday. I’ve been going to Church on the Rock in St. Peters for about three weeks now and I REALLY like it. Pastor Blunt has been speaking on Vision and Victory, and it’s really changing the way I look at things. I’m so lucky I stumbled upon this church, it’s exactly what I need at this time in my life. After church, I laid around for an hour before heading to my aunt’s house for lunch. She made turkey burgers, corn on the cob and cucumber/tomato salad. It was delicious. Plus, it was gorgeous outside. It was great to spend the day relaxing with two of my aunts and my cousin, it had been awhile since I’d seen them. After that, I stopped at the wax center to take care of some, uh, business, came home and attempted to make protein pancakes for dinner (they weren’t that good, I’m going to have to find a different recipe…), then cleaned my apartment before showering and watching 4 (yeah, ridiculous) episodes of Pretty Little Liars (which I really liked).

So right now, I’m letting my breakfast digest a bit and then I’m hitting the gym for a run and some weight training. I’m going to meet mom at the mall later, talk to Jenny about transferring back to West County (I hate working at the VS in Mid Rivers), and see some friends. I think it’s going to be a good day off, then it’s gung-ho, here we go as my internship starts for the week, work all weekend and then school on Monday. Things are about to get even crazier!

I’m not okay.

The tears just keep flowing.

I am heartbroken.

This week has flown by and I’ve had very few chances to blog. And when I’ve had time, I’ve really had nothing to say. But today is different. Today, I have nothing left to say, but I’m going to say it anyway.

I lost a good friend last night. He was 22 years young and enjoying a game of softball with some friends when he had a seizure. I can’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling at the moment, except to say that I am completely heartbroken.

Matt was the kind of person who could always make you laugh. Whether it was something he said or his goofy personality, he knew how to lighten up a room and put a smile on everyone’s face. He was something. We went to high school together and became really good friends throughout junior and senior year. When we both went to MSU for college, we spent a lot of time hanging out with a great group of people and made memories that I will never forget. From standing in line to get tickets to a blackout game to waiting for pizza in the dining hall, we enjoyed our freshman year. I’ll never forget the night that we drove an hour to a casino, stuffed our faces, played some penny slots, then stopped at an “adult video store” and played padiddle the rest of the drive back to campus before the boys raced down the hallway with their pants around their ankles. I’ll never forget our first night in the dorms, when his girlfriend called me in a panic after his first seizure or racing up six floors of stairs to show the EMTs where to go and praying he would be okay. I won’t forget the summer he called me in tears because they had broken up, and how being in the middle caused a riff in my friendship with both of them. I won’t forget watching the boys play softball, or when he called to tell me another friend had lost his life at such a young age. I won’t forget high school, when we didn’t accomplish anything in classes. When the boys wore the most ridiculous outfits for Model UN or when we took a tour of SLU with Mrs. Thater’s class. I won’t forget watching the boys play football or dance like goons at homecomings and proms.

I won’t forget any of it.

I can’t keep my thoughts straight, so this may be as hard to read as it is to write, but I’m trying. When I got the text about Matt last night, I had no idea. I had been asleep when I heard my phone go off and when I heard the news, I lost it. I cried for two hours straight and woke up with my eyes still burning from tears. I have to work today, but I don’t see that going well. I know I can’t just sit and mourn the loss of such a great friend, especially since it’s much more suiting to celebrate his life instead.

He was an amazing guy, who’s impact on my life will never be forgotten. RIP, Mattycakes.

Peace and contentment, oh how nice to finally meet you.

I am never content. EVER. I have this feeling that I always need to be doing more, seeing more, being more. And I’ve never been able to just live in the moment that I’m in.

Until recently.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with a lot of emotional baggage left by some jerk and feelings of self-worthlessness thanks to a bit of weight gain after a few accidents. But I’m putting all of that behind me. I know who I am, I know what I stand for, and I know what I want. Well, I mostly know what I want…I kind of usually just wing it. But I have a good, general idea of what I’d like to do in the next few years, and that’s good enough for me.

I’m finally figuring a lot of things out. I’m finally finding peace of mind. I’m learning to have faith. I’m learning to trust in the Lord. I’m learning, my God, am I learning.

I couldn’t do it without my amazing support system. My parents are everything. My parents pay my school expenses, they help with bills I can’t make when I don’t get enough hours, Daddy takes care of all my car’s needs, Mom listens to me rant and ramble and rant some more. They are seriously amazing. And I honestly have no idea where I would be today if it weren’t for them.

I have a handful of friends that I can truly count on. And to someone who has lost so many people throughout life, it’s the most wonderful feeling. To have friends who know your strengths and your weaknesses. Friends who know when you need a hug or when you need to just be left alone. Friends who offer support and encouragement, but kick you in the butt when they think you need it. Friends who teach you patience and self-control. Friends who push you to be better, because they know you can do it. Friends who let you beat yourself up for a bit, then tell you to pull up your big girl panties and get on with life. These are my friends, and I couldn’t have ever asked for better ones.

I’ve been seeking the Lord more. I’ve been spending time each morning in devotions, reading His word and praying. I don’t want this to be another “phase” in my walk. Where I start devotions and going to church and then get busy and backslide out of it. Never again do I want to be of this world.

This is a time in my life where I’m content, and I’m happy. Nothing is going to take that away.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Best friend, I’ve missed you so.

You know that feeling you get when you finally get to see someone that you haven’t seen in ages? That feeling of happiness, mixed with excitement, mixed with about ten other different feelings?

Try a two and a half year time span since you’ve last seen this person. Then, consider the fact that you never really “ended” the friendship, you just kind of fell away from each other. Add in a wedding you purposefully missed, deleting them from Facebook, a few new friends and life lessons, and then toss in a baby, then you might have an idea of what I experienced today.

Walking up to that hospital room, I was shaking uncontrollably and my heart was racing so fast I could feel it outside of my chest. I didn’t know what I was getting ready to walk into. When Tim opened the door, he had the most confused look on his face. When he told Lindsay who it was, I instantly heard the surprise in her voice. I’m sure in a million years she wouldn’t have imagined me showing up in her hospital room at 6pm on a Friday night, especially when I hadn’t even spoken to her in over two years, minus the two birthday texts I sent, because I could never not tell her happy birthday.

She welcomed me with the biggest smile and open arms. As cheesy as it sounds, it was comfortable. It was exactly where I was meant to be in that moment. It went a hundred times better than I could have expected. I figured she had to have hated me after the way I just dropped her so long ago, after I had ignored an invitation to her wedding, after I had never tried. But at the time we had stopped talking, she got caught up with her now husband, and did what she always did when she got a boyfriend, she ignored me. And I did what I do all-too-often, I got hurt and I turned that hurt into bitterness.

But I’ve grown up over the years, or so I would like to think that I have. She’s been on my heart for weeks now, since before mom told me that she had seen Linds at church a month ago. But I wouldn’t text or call, or add her on Facebook, or stop by. I fought that tug in my heart, but I didn’t know why. I kept fighting, because that’s what I do. With her. With Paul. With Jodi. With Hannah. With Aaron. With everyone who has ever hurt me. I shut them out and I harden myself to any feelings I have towards them, in order to not get hurt again. Honestly, it’s pointless. Not having the people who mean the most to you in your life hurts no matter how much you try to shut it out. And so I’ve decided to mend the friendships I can and move on from the ones that I can’t.

I’ve realized that I have a handful of truly amazing friends. Ones that I know will be there for me, 110%, whenever and wherever I need. I have Lindsay again, who will always and forever be my very best friend. I have Samantha, who I can always instantly fall back into step with, no matter how many miles are between us. I have Liana, who has been there since we were five years old, even though we spent years not being super close, she’s still always been there. Then there’s Greg, and without his wit and inappropriateness, I just don’t know what I would do. And finally, there is Sara, who I knew in high school, but have only had the pleasure of truly becoming friends with in the last few years.

I have a lot of good friends, too. Ones that I go out with, ones I work with, ones that I get to see often. But that handful of people right there, those are the ones who I can truly count on, and whom I would like to think can count on me.

Sometimes, I forget to stop and count my blessings. Sometimes, I forget to thank God for the amazing people he has placed in my life. Sometimes, I just forget how incredibly lucky I am.

No more though. Not anymore.

I love…

fall days.
writing my Legacy articles in less than half an hour.
the anticipation of waiting for a letter from half a world away.
family time.
my best friends.
my job and the girls I work with.

And on a tangent, I am so blessed to be living such an amazing life.

I cannot explain enough what my friends mean to me. Between a t-shirt from Laura and Philly souvenirs from Sara to phone calls from Hannah, I could not imagine my life without such an incredible handful of people.

And it isn’t just my closest friends who make me feel loved and special. It’s the girls from school who also show such true friendship and trust, who invite me to Zumba classes and Friday night movies. It’s the girls I work with who make me feel so significant. They tell me how cute I look, tell me how much they miss me and compliment my knowledge of the cash wrap.

As a person who has never had but one close girl friend at a time and someone who could never take compliments, it has really helped me grow and appreciate myself more.

I am so immensely grateful.

Missing you.

 

“won’t be able to touch you or hold you, but you won’t be alone tonight. ’cause I’ll carry your heart, I’ll carry it in mine” ❤

Love is for Losers, and Best Friends.

Why is it we always fall for our best friends? Is it because we know we can trust them? Is it because we know them so well? Is it because of the way they know exactly what’s going on in our heads? Or is it because they are there any day, anytime, anywhere without the promise of kisses, intimate touches or whispered sentiments of love? I think we love them because they are there when there is nothing in it for them except for that little glimmer of hope that maybe someday there will be.

I should be sleeping.

I should be.

However, IM-ing my best friend on Skype seems like a much better use of my time since he leaves for his FOB tomorrow and I’m unsure of the next time I’ll get to hear from him. Wi-Fi at his prestigious Camp Leatherneck base SUCKS, but I’ll take the awful connection every chance I get, just to see how he’s doing.

Missing him tons, Semper Fi.

What is left unsaid in the motto is also notable. The phrase is “Always faithful.” It isn’t “Sometimes Faithful.” Nor is it “Usually Faithful,” but always. It is not negotiable. It is not relative, but absolute. Who is always faithful, though. and to what, exactly are they faithful? Interestingly, the simplicity of the phrase and the calculated neglect to specify its parameters seems to strengthen it. Marines pride themselves on their straightforward mission and steadfast dedication to accomplish it. Things do not need to be spelled out for them; they know what it means and what to do about it.