So let’s set the record straight.

CONTENT WARNING: This blog post will be a very mushy, sentimental lovey-dovey post, yet it will contain bits of anger, hurt and revenge. Continue if you dare, change the page if you must.

I have willed myself away from being this person. The person who gives absolutely everything to everyone. Why did I used to be this way? Because I liked to be liked, I longed to be accepted, I had need to be needed and a desire to be loved. I am, after all, only human. And a female, I might add.

Also, I am at this age and time in my life is which Eric Erikson’s stages of development theory refers to as, emerging adulthoodalso known as the “intimacy versus isolation” stage. In this stage, one either forms secure, young relationships or becomes isolated, lonely and depressed.

Well, what about those of us who are stuck in between? Erikson must have forgotten about us.

What about those who have experienced faithful, secure friendships without the promise of happily ever after? What happens when friendships fall apart and you’re left standing on the sidelines by yourself, with no one to hold your secrets? Well, Erikson’s stages of development are really more to do with attachment, which deals with love, which is obviously more of a relationship > friendship subject…so back to the main purpose of my post.

What happens when people just leave? This is it, the sappy part of the post where I tell you how I fell madly in love with a boy who said he loved me, but it ended. And so, my life as I knew it ended as well.

JUST KIDDING.

I’m not THAT kind of girl. I am strong, smart and independent. I will be graduating in less than FOUR months with degrees in Mass and Corporate Communications, and a minor in Psychology. I am in the top 10 percentile of my graduating class and act as residing president of my Alpha Chi Honors chapter. I already have a job offer and am looking into graduate schools in far-away places. I’m up at dawn, working out and doing devotions. I spend time with my friends and family, write letters to those who aren’t nearby andy enjoy happy hour once in a blue moon. I have my own life and I love every second of it.

I don’t need (and rarely want) a guy. Sure, the cute goodnight texts, the strong arms to hold you, the sweet nothings whispered…they’re all great things, but they aren’t necessary. I have a lot of living left to do before I tie myself down.

I was in love once. I found a boy who was my everything, and I would have given him the world if I could. Moon and stars and all. I would have moved the mountains had he asked. But he didn’t. He let me stand by him through deployments and crazy girlfriends, yet he walked away the second he didn’t need me anymore. He walked away without so much as a goodbye.

I stopped texting, it was easy enough. I still missed him (still do, actually), but my pride is so much bigger than my heart sometimes that I just don’t even let it affect me. I remind myself of what he did to me, and how much better off I am without him. But it doesn’t let me forget the amazing friendship we shared, the long Skypes, the phone calls at 3am…I haven’t forgotten any of it, and maybe that’s the problem.

Or maybe it’s that he’s talking to someone who was supposed to be my friend? Sure, it’s one thing to sleep with the guy I talked to for a week and then stood up at a bar. I can get over that, even if I did have to find out about it from someone else. But with someone I loved? WHO DOES THAT?! Apparently, my “friend”. I think the worst part is that she blamed me for overreacting about finding out she slept with the other kid (I simply asked if it was true and told her it was crummy that I had to hear it from someone else, instead of her, but that it was whatever…that’s definitely overreacting, I guess), and even when I apologized for supposedly hurting her, she felt okay enough to tell me that she didn’t think she was wrong and we couldn’t be friends. But ohhhh, it’s my fault? Well, is she wrong now that she’s stabbing ME in the back? Or is that just how she plays with revenge?

Now, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself and jumping to conclusions. I can’t help that the facts line up and I wouldn’t put it past her. But time will tell. Time always tells, and sadly, time tells long before people are ever honest with you.

I know I’m better off without both of them, but being lied to and stabbed in the back isn’t something you can take with a grain of salt. So I confide in my REAL friends and vent in a blog post. Mainly because no one I personally know is aware of my blog (maybe one person, but that’s probably it), and the rest are all of you poor souls who have actually put up with this terribly pathetic and grammatically incorrect post through it’s entirety. Saying anything on Twitter would cause too many questions and story rehashing, and I’m just not in the mood.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for being hurt by the actions (on top of missing the friendships I had with both of these people) I think I’d be over it. I’m practically over it, I just…needed to get it off my chest, one last time.

And now, I have.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.

Missing you.

 

“won’t be able to touch you or hold you, but you won’t be alone tonight. ’cause I’ll carry your heart, I’ll carry it in mine” ❤

I should be sleeping.

I should be.

However, IM-ing my best friend on Skype seems like a much better use of my time since he leaves for his FOB tomorrow and I’m unsure of the next time I’ll get to hear from him. Wi-Fi at his prestigious Camp Leatherneck base SUCKS, but I’ll take the awful connection every chance I get, just to see how he’s doing.

Missing him tons, Semper Fi.

What is left unsaid in the motto is also notable. The phrase is “Always faithful.” It isn’t “Sometimes Faithful.” Nor is it “Usually Faithful,” but always. It is not negotiable. It is not relative, but absolute. Who is always faithful, though. and to what, exactly are they faithful? Interestingly, the simplicity of the phrase and the calculated neglect to specify its parameters seems to strengthen it. Marines pride themselves on their straightforward mission and steadfast dedication to accomplish it. Things do not need to be spelled out for them; they know what it means and what to do about it.

Space Art.

www.spaceartcompany.com

I just watched this incredible piece depicting the Twin Towers on the NYC skyline be created using spray paint and metal. It made me remember why I stand behind my best friend and miss him every single day.

This here is sweater, scarf and apple pie makin’ weather.

The air is crisp.
I want to be snuggled in and drinking cocoa all day long.
I wish I could have you next to me on the couch, watching terrible movies and laughing at stupid things.

I’m ready for reclusing in my adorable apartment, pending the hours I’m not at school, work or dong homework writing my famous “Sharpie Love Letters” to my best friend and baking enough sweets to make me gain ten pounds. Days like today, I could do that. Or I could go home, change into sweatpants, climb into bed and cry myself into a lulled sleep. But I refuse to let myself get depressed this winter. I refuse to relapse into that state of mind, where all I do is spend time alone accomplishing nothing. The last year has shown me that I am more than that accident and I will not let myself go back to that.

I will take Vitamin D pills, melatonin tablets  and tan until my skin burns
Whatever it takes.

And I’ll keep praying.
This next year is going to be the biggest struggle of my life.
But I will get through it.
We will get through it.

I’ll be your mirror, reflect what you are.

I wish I could tell you what I see in you. You asked me the other night just what it was, but all I could reply was, “a lot”.

No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves. – Edgar Watson Howe

It makes me incredibly sad to not be able to give you the biggest hug I’ve ever given anyone in my entire life before you deploy next week. Sometimes, I can still feel you squeezing me in your tight embrace as you lift me off my feet in the middle of the Show-Me’s parking lot that chilly January night. The night I kissed you “just because I wanted to“.

You and I are closer than we’ve ever been, but my God, I swear, there’s this ache in my chest like something is just missing, so I’m finding this feeling so hard to understand. I think I’m just terrified of losing you again. I think mostly in the way we’re both too afraid to speak of.

 

You’re going to come home safe though.
I’m going to be praying like crazy for you.
And I’m going to continue showing you every good thing you are.

San Diego <3

I just bought my ticket for Spring Break.

 

Happiness, found.

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