Peace and contentment, oh how nice to finally meet you.

I am never content. EVER. I have this feeling that I always need to be doing more, seeing more, being more. And I’ve never been able to just live in the moment that I’m in.

Until recently.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with a lot of emotional baggage left by some jerk and feelings of self-worthlessness thanks to a bit of weight gain after a few accidents. But I’m putting all of that behind me. I know who I am, I know what I stand for, and I know what I want. Well, I mostly know what I want…I kind of usually just wing it. But I have a good, general idea of what I’d like to do in the next few years, and that’s good enough for me.

I’m finally figuring a lot of things out. I’m finally finding peace of mind. I’m learning to have faith. I’m learning to trust in the Lord. I’m learning, my God, am I learning.

I couldn’t do it without my amazing support system. My parents are everything. My parents pay my school expenses, they help with bills I can’t make when I don’t get enough hours, Daddy takes care of all my car’s needs, Mom listens to me rant and ramble and rant some more. They are seriously amazing. And I honestly have no idea where I would be today if it weren’t for them.

I have a handful of friends that I can truly count on. And to someone who has lost so many people throughout life, it’s the most wonderful feeling. To have friends who know your strengths and your weaknesses. Friends who know when you need a hug or when you need to just be left alone. Friends who offer support and encouragement, but kick you in the butt when they think you need it. Friends who teach you patience and self-control. Friends who push you to be better, because they know you can do it. Friends who let you beat yourself up for a bit, then tell you to pull up your big girl panties and get on with life. These are my friends, and I couldn’t have ever asked for better ones.

I’ve been seeking the Lord more. I’ve been spending time each morning in devotions, reading His word and praying. I don’t want this to be another “phase” in my walk. Where I start devotions and going to church and then get busy and backslide out of it. Never again do I want to be of this world.

This is a time in my life where I’m content, and I’m happy. Nothing is going to take that away.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Where has my mind gone?

Seriously. I can’t remember anything. I can remember basic things, like how an intimate conversation went or how to work the register at work. But as far as big, important things, like remembering to drop my summer class and apply for graduation? Yeah, nope.

My mind has been everywhere and nowhere lately. I thought it was just me, but even mom has said she gets hazy and can’t remember things. Now, there is a 33 year age difference between us and so I should definitely be able to remember much more than she can. But ever since the accident, I haven’t been able to retain or remember much of anything. When I first got the concussion, sites I found and doctors I talked to said that I should only be experiencing those types of memory problems for 3-6 months. However, it’s been nearly two years since the accident and I still haven’t gotten any better with remembering things, like calling to make an eye doctor appointment or check on an insurance bill.

It’s like I block out the most important things. I make lists, but half the time I lose those or don’t remember to look at them. This mental block just bothers and saddens me so much. I don’t like when people blame their circumstances, and so I try not to blame the accident for things like putting on weight because I messed up my knee or for not being able to remember anything after the concussion, but when I didn’t have these problems before, it’s hard not to blame the accident for how things are now.

I think the worst part of everything, is knowing how I can be. I know my potential. I know what my memory ability  was and how my workouts use to be. And now, now I’m comparing how they use to be to how they are now, which is nothing in comparison and it bums me out.

I know that I can’t go back to that day and change the things that happened, and I know some things may never go back to the way that they were before the accident. So right now, I’m just trying to keep my head where it belongs and build back up to workout the best I can to drop weight. It isn’t easy. In fact, it’s never been so hard. But I know I can do it. I have to.