Beautiful Surrender.

A Whirlwind of a Week

5 April 2014 – “Ah, happy girl. Feeling a little more grown up lately. I like it. I’m pretty content right now. I’m still waiting on the ‘what’s next’ thing, but I’m patiently waiting and living in the present. I like it. It’s working alright for me at the moment…My life is working out exactly as God has planned for it to. There’s a reason I’m not 1000+ miles away right now. I wouldn’t be turning into the woman of God that I’m becoming if I was, and I truly believe that. I’ve needed this season at home to become humble and lose my prideful spirit…I want to be humble, modest, and full of humility. A Jesus-like spirit, not a prideful one.”

6 April 2014 – “The guest speaker spoke on getting your friends saved and about being called into the mission field. I gave a public declaration to give my ALL to go for God, and I meant it. Mission work has been on my heart for so long now, and this timing for me to visit the church was just incredible.

God is doing great things in my life. They may not be BIG things yet, but he is stilling working in and on and through me. I serve a mighty, loving savior. I am so blessed beyond measure. I may not have always made the best decisions and choices, but they have all brought me to this point, to this moment, to these people, and honestly, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

8 April 2014 – “I feel so undeserving. So impure and damaged. I know that is a feeling of the devil though. I know that I am a new creation in the Lord. I know he took me back as a prodigal child as soon as I came running back to him, and that he has been working on me ever since.

I know that I am enough, every flaw and mistake is forgiven. I know that day on the driveway that God spoke to me. I know He has great plans for me. I know He is making me into a woman of beauty in Him, one who is worthy of love and happiness and a life in His perfect will. I know that despite my past, I am more than enough.”

9 April 2014 – “We’re taught not to test God, or to ask him to reveal things to us through signs and wonders, but isn’t that oftentimes what they did in the Bible? Like with Gideon asking God to make the fleece wet and the ground dry (and then vice-versa) to know that the Lord would be with him to save Israel by his hand? I guess I just don’t get it. I guess I’m just looking for a sign.”

10 April 2014 – “Yesterday, I wrote that I was just looking for a sign. A sign that what I have been feeling and thinking and desiring was placed on my heart and my mind because it was God’s will and part of His plan for my life, not just something I wanted. Last night at church, God gave me that sign.

Pastor walked up, placed his hands on my face and before I could utter a sound, he began whispering in my ear, ‘You’ve done the right thing by taking off your shoes, for the place you’re standing on is Holy Ground. Just as I called the prophet to go, so I am sending you’ (there was more to it, and he used the word humility, but I was so consumed, this paraphrase is all I can recall).

I broke, I cried, I shouted, I dropped to my knees, overwhelmed by the Lord. And God spoke. He said, “you asked for a breeze, but I’ve sent you a hurricane.” I cried and I laughed, because he confirmed what I have known since I was a child, that I was called to be a missionary, that I would be going to the ends of the earth for Him. I have never before felt so full and so satisfied. These last few years, I have been in search of something. I travel, I enjoy and I come back longing for more. This is why.

I’m not sure what comes next and I don’t need to. Like mom said, something is going to come along and I’m just going to know it’s time. I’m no longer anxious, but excited. My heart feels as though it may burst with joy and happiness and love and excitement. I feel found. I feel like everything I’ve been longing and searching for is suddenly mine. This passion, this fire, this burning desire is so amazing and so overwhelming.

I’m laying it all down for Him. All of me.”

11 April 2014 – “Ah, how freeing this feeling is. I am excited beyond words for what the Lord is planning to do. I’m anxious because I’m ready. I am SO ready to lay it ALL down for His name, His honor and His glory. I am so blessed that He has chosen and called me to be used by and for Him. So unbelievably blessed and honored.”

 

 

Let’s Catch Up

So much has gone on since my last post in November. You can see a small (but extremely important) part of that in the journal entries I posted above (those are from my personal journal – very real and very raw).

In a quick whirlwind, I’ll attempt to bring you up to speed…

After I forgave A in November, my heart was released from a heavy burden that I didn’t realize was weighing me down so much. As we moved into the new year, I set my sights on the Lord and was determined to dive deeper into him. I began using JoyFm’s Read Through the Bible in a Year as a challenge/resolution for myself. I have always wanted to read through the entire Bible, but have never made it past the first three books before getting extremely bored or off-track. This time, I was determined. I pushed through a few books in the Old Testament that nearly put me to sleep, I got behind during a weekend away and had to read a ton of chapters to catch up and I woke up an hour early some days just to have time to do the reading. I am three and a half months into 2014, and 9 books into the Old and New Testaments (it splits it up so you alternate a bit).

As I’ve read further, I’ve learned more. Even on the days that didn’t hold my interest, I pushed through and kept reading. The days I didn’t feel like doing my devotions were the days I knew I needed to read the most.

And God has taught me so much through these last few months. I have grown in Him more than I ever expected. He has brought me through so much and has given me more blessings than I could have ever thought to ask for. He is truly a mighty God.

He has swarmed me with a few words (aka lessons) lately – pride, humility, beautiful, surrender and faith.

Pride Cometh Before a Fall

“You need to stop being prideful and just drop your weight…”

This was said to me while lifting weights with a (newer) friend at the gym. This was the second time he had called me out on trying to lift more than I could and the second time he used the term pride with me. Six months ago, I got defensive when he used the word. We hardly knew each other, and he definitely didn’t know anything about me or my pride (yet, that reaction makes it obvious that I was very prideful!).

Last week when he said it, I stepped back, dropped my weight for the exercise and then read up on pride and humility during my next devotional time. Two days later, I ended up thanking him for calling me out on it. Pride is something that the Lord has been quietly working on in my life, and sometimes, it takes another person to point out your flaw so you can see that it is still there and needing to be worked on.

He smiled at me and said, “That’s something the Lord works with me on every day. I didn’t even realize I said it, but I’m glad I could help you.” It was one of those moments that you just know is dynamic. I was proud of myself for putting myself out there in humble honestly. I trembled the entire way through the conversation, and realized that thanking someone for calling you out on your pride, was nearly more difficult than actually being called out on it.

None More Beautiful

Beautiful. In today’s world of photoshop, it’s hard to define the word. For months after I moved home, I worked out for hours a day, stuck to a strict diet and wasn’t only unhappy with the results I wasn’t seeing, but I felt ugly, inside and out.

I was miserable and unhappy. I kept comparing myself to the bodies I saw on social media and in magazines, wondering why all of my hard work wasn’t paying off. Wondering why my digestive issues weren’t being resolved (I’m still working on figure this all out and praying for complete healing) and stalling my weight loss. Wondering why I wasn’t beautiful.

I don’t know exactly when it happened, but one day, I just decided that I didn’t care anymore. Sure, I still want to look good and feel confident in my appearance, but I no longer want to believe the lies of the enemy that I am ugly, or that I am not good enough.

Ever since I resolved to be at peace with my body and began eating for health, rather than for a number or a size, I became less stressed and more accepting of myself. I have been released from a disorder that has plagued me for years. I can slip up now, and forgive myself for having a treat off my meal plan or skip a workout and not feel the need to kill myself twice as hard at the next session. In fact, I actually began to FEEL more beautiful. Because God loves me, whether I’m a size 14 or a 4 (and believe me, I am much closer to a 14).

A Call to Surrender

Surrender. A word that has been resonating in my heart lately.

To surrender means to:
– abandon oneself entirely; give in to
– the act of surrendering (synonyms: submission, yielding).
– to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc.
– to give control to someone else
– to allow something to influence or control you (Merriam Webster)

When I stood up from the wooden pew at that little non-denomination church last Sunday, I was surrendering my all to God. I was putting myself aside and taking up the cross. I was losing myself again, but this time, I was gaining so much more. I was surrendering to the God who forgives my pride, makes me humble and finds me beautiful.

Well Done, My Good and Faithful One

I cannot wait for the day that I hear the Lord speak those words to me.

I am ready to begin serving for His kingdom, to fulfill the calling He has placed over my life. I am so ready to trek the unbeaten path, to reach the unreached and to spread love to those who have yet to hear of His great name. I am SO ready.

I made a big decision this morning, and while I am extremely nervous about it, I am doing it in faith. I plan on giving my two weeks notice at work this week.

I have dreaded every shift I’ve worked these last few weeks. My heart weighs heavy in my chest the entire time I’m there and my spirit aches. I know it’s because of my recent choice to surrender to God. I am no longer able to return in “good fun” the foul language, inappropriate jokes and crude remarks, and I am no longer able to let them pass by me unaffected. The Lord is calling me out of such a place.

I’m nervous, as I make pretty decent money waitressing. I pay my own bills, buy my own food and have enough extra to treat myself to expensive treats and trips. But this is part of laying it all down for God. This is part of leaving the world’s ways behind, taking up my cross and following him.

Hebrews 11:1 (NIV) says that, “Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we cannot see.”

I am ready, willing and waiting to find out where the Lord is leading me to next. I have a few mission trips in mind, and I am praying for each of them. I only want to do His will, and I know that when the right one comes along, it will all work out according to His purpose.

I am stepping out in full faith, and I’ve never been more sure.

I’m Really Bad at This…

I kind of suck…

Maybe someday I’ll get better at this whole blogging thing.

Or maybe not. I journal every morning, and since I’m never on my computer anymore (unless it’s to watch Netflix), I never think to blog.

Plus, who really needs to know every nitty-gritty detail about my ever-so-boring life?

Boring is Right

Oh, how mundane my life has become. I’m back to being employed, but it isn’t glamourous. Working as a Restaurant Manager is definitely not the “dream job” I had in mind when I received my Bachelor’s degree. No sir, not me, not at all. But it’s a job and it’s paying my bills at the moment (YAY for just paying off one of my credit cards and cutting it up!). It’s frustrating some days, and it can be stressful, and annoying, but I like most of the people I work with, I make a decent amount of money, and I’m not sitting on my butt all day.

But when did I lose my drive? When did I become so comfortable? When did I stop dreaming? When I realized I was in mounds of student loan debt? When I figured living at home and not paying rent meant I could pay off my credit cards?

Don’t get me wrong, I adore my family and I am ever so thankful to be home for the holidays, but this is not where I thought I’d be a year out of college. Not that everyone is where they expect to be at this time, it just seems like all my friends have it so together and here I at – back at home in a dead-end job failing miserably. I know it’s just my own point-of-view and lots of people think I’m doing great, but it’s not what I wanted. It’s not what I want.

I started serving at the Pub to make some extra cash while I continued job hunting. But a quick move to a management position left me with more hours at work and less worry about finding a career. I’m not sure why, but I stopped looking altogether. I became comfortable, thinking that this was where God wanted me for this season in my life. Not that I don’t think God has great plans for my life, because I truly believe that he does, and not that I don’t think I’m where I’m supposed to be according to his plan, because I’m learning and growing every single day. I’m just not sure that sitting on my butt after work every night doing nothing but waiting is going to open any doors or show me any life changing revelations.

So, I’m back to the job hunt. I’m going to apply for anything and everything, everywhere. I’m going to take the time and get down to business. I can’t sit idle any longer and watch life pass me by.

High Hopes

I’m still writing blogs for Once Upon a Time. It’s been a slow start up, as the CEO also works a full-time job and the entire organization is still in the beginning phases. But she asked me to stay on after I “interned” for the summer to continue blogging and working on the social media. I’m excited to do so, and hope that it will give me more experience and possibly open some doors in the future.

She said she’s received a lot of great feedbacks on my blogs, and that makes me happy. I love to write, it really is a passion of mine and I would love to make a career out of it. Honestly, if someone paid me to travel and write and give my opinion, I’d be the happiest girl. I have hopes that someday that will happen, that someday I’ll be flying all over the world experiencing new places and faces and things. Maybe it won’t happen. Maybe someday I’ll move to Maastricht and settle into the little city that I adore so much. Maybe I’ll marry the cute boy I run into at the gym every so often and stay in St. Louis.

My life is full of big hopes and uncertainty and limitless possibilities, and it’s time I got back on track to chasing them.