This may get easier someday, but not today.

I’ve nearly accepted the fact that Matt is gone. It’s been so hard to wrap my head around it and all I’ve done is cry the last few days, but I’m beginning to accept that I’m just going to have to wait until I get to Heaven to hear his laugh again. It doesn’t mean I’m done crying, and it doesn’t mean that I’m not going to think about him everyday, but it means that I’ve nearly accepted it. I have some of the best memories with Matt and nothing can take those away from me.

I’m starting my workouts back up after my weekend off. I’m not looking forward to it, but know I’ll feel amazing afterwards. I’ve just had no energy the last few days! Honestly, I’m not sure how I made it through this weekend but having so much going on kept me busy and my mind off things. Friday I worked and then went to the Festival of the Little Hills with my mom and Chantal. We ate amazing greek food and walked around for a bit. Then Saturday I worked all day, grabbed dinner and a nap, then went back down to the festival with Melissa. I found a few Christmas gifts and then we came back to my apartment and watched The Hunger Games and talked. I’m not a HUGE movie fan, and usually catch the movies about 3 years after they come out, but she talked me into watching it, and I didn’t hate it. We were up pretty late, but I still made sure to get up for church on Sunday. I’ve been going to Church on the Rock in St. Peters for about three weeks now and I REALLY like it. Pastor Blunt has been speaking on Vision and Victory, and it’s really changing the way I look at things. I’m so lucky I stumbled upon this church, it’s exactly what I need at this time in my life. After church, I laid around for an hour before heading to my aunt’s house for lunch. She made turkey burgers, corn on the cob and cucumber/tomato salad. It was delicious. Plus, it was gorgeous outside. It was great to spend the day relaxing with two of my aunts and my cousin, it had been awhile since I’d seen them. After that, I stopped at the wax center to take care of some, uh, business, came home and attempted to make protein pancakes for dinner (they weren’t that good, I’m going to have to find a different recipe…), then cleaned my apartment before showering and watching 4 (yeah, ridiculous) episodes of Pretty Little Liars (which I really liked).

So right now, I’m letting my breakfast digest a bit and then I’m hitting the gym for a run and some weight training. I’m going to meet mom at the mall later, talk to Jenny about transferring back to West County (I hate working at the VS in Mid Rivers), and see some friends. I think it’s going to be a good day off, then it’s gung-ho, here we go as my internship starts for the week, work all weekend and then school on Monday. Things are about to get even crazier!

I am heartbroken.

This week has flown by and I’ve had very few chances to blog. And when I’ve had time, I’ve really had nothing to say. But today is different. Today, I have nothing left to say, but I’m going to say it anyway.

I lost a good friend last night. He was 22 years young and enjoying a game of softball with some friends when he had a seizure. I can’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling at the moment, except to say that I am completely heartbroken.

Matt was the kind of person who could always make you laugh. Whether it was something he said or his goofy personality, he knew how to lighten up a room and put a smile on everyone’s face. He was something. We went to high school together and became really good friends throughout junior and senior year. When we both went to MSU for college, we spent a lot of time hanging out with a great group of people and made memories that I will never forget. From standing in line to get tickets to a blackout game to waiting for pizza in the dining hall, we enjoyed our freshman year. I’ll never forget the night that we drove an hour to a casino, stuffed our faces, played some penny slots, then stopped at an “adult video store” and played padiddle the rest of the drive back to campus before the boys raced down the hallway with their pants around their ankles. I’ll never forget our first night in the dorms, when his girlfriend called me in a panic after his first seizure or racing up six floors of stairs to show the EMTs where to go and praying he would be okay. I won’t forget the summer he called me in tears because they had broken up, and how being in the middle caused a riff in my friendship with both of them. I won’t forget watching the boys play softball, or when he called to tell me another friend had lost his life at such a young age. I won’t forget high school, when we didn’t accomplish anything in classes. When the boys wore the most ridiculous outfits for Model UN or when we took a tour of SLU with Mrs. Thater’s class. I won’t forget watching the boys play football or dance like goons at homecomings and proms.

I won’t forget any of it.

I can’t keep my thoughts straight, so this may be as hard to read as it is to write, but I’m trying. When I got the text about Matt last night, I had no idea. I had been asleep when I heard my phone go off and when I heard the news, I lost it. I cried for two hours straight and woke up with my eyes still burning from tears. I have to work today, but I don’t see that going well. I know I can’t just sit and mourn the loss of such a great friend, especially since it’s much more suiting to celebrate his life instead.

He was an amazing guy, who’s impact on my life will never be forgotten. RIP, Mattycakes.