Mother’s Day Weekend.

What a nice, good weekend.

I spent Friday after doing what I now can’t quite remember (darn you early onset forgetfulness!), then I met my mama at the gym after she got off of work for our workouts. After that, I headed home to make some dinner – GF pizza for her, leftover grilled chicken with asparagus and a sweet potato for me. As soon as I had gotten out of the shower, a friend text me and invited me to join her and some friends to see Ironman 3. However, I’m not a huge movie fan (not to mention I haven’t seen Ironman and Ironman 2), so I planted myself on the couch and watched/helped the girls play games (my mom and sister were playing Apple-to-Apples and Headbanz with my nieces and two of their friends). I was quite content.

On Saturday, I woke up early for breakfast and devotions before I was off to the gym for some cardio and core. Kali, the new trainer, kicked my butt in her core class. But I completely enjoyed it! After a quick lunch and shower, I set off with mom and sis to get some grocery and dress shopping knocked out. Chesterfield Bottoms, Whole Foods and West County Mall on a Saturday afternoon – not our best plan! But we accomplished everything we set out to do, and when I got home, I threw together dinner (while helping put away all the groceries, I might add) before heading over to Kory’s for a relaxing night in with friends. I absolutely love nights like that. Nights where you play cards, take goofy pictures and stay up just talking, laughing and joking – it’s such a good time. By the time I got home and took a shower (I knew if I waited, I wouldn’t get one before church — oh the perks of living with a ton of people!), I didn’t get to bed until nearly 2:30am!

Sister

Sister

Luckily, I was wide awake at 6:30am on Sunday morning to start my busy day in the kitchen. First up, GF banana nut pancakes, eggs and bacon for a small Mother’s Day brunch! Then a cake in the oven for sister’s 21st birthday (a very drunk Barbie cake) and a GF apple cinnamon streusel coffee cake for mom (and me!). I got the girls and myself ready for church, decorated the cake and managed to prep a bunch for dinner before we headed to church. It was such a great sermon. Pastor spoke on how we don’t see ourselves as clearly (or near as beautiful) as everyone else sees us. What a much needed message! While out shopping Saturday, this young girl who was passing me stopped to say, “you’re really pretty, just so you know” – it completely made my day! It’s amazing what a simple compliment can do! I suggest you look for an opportunity to compliment someone today, as I promise you, it will make their day a bit brighter.

Mama Bear

Mama Bear

Mother’s Day with the family went off without a hitch! Well, unless you count the strawberry sauce that fell and broke, leaving glass all over the floor. Or the grill that kept going out because of the wind (I love/hate propane). Or the million other little things… but I didn’t let them get to me. I grilled, set up dinner, washed all the dishes, cleaned up after – all so my mama could enjoy her day (which she did, btw). By the time everyone left and I sat in the recliner, I was exhausted. I passed out in the chair at 8pm!

Next up…

Now, it’s a glorious Monday morning and I’m feeling so very blessed. I’m off to work on internship things before heading to an interview, a chiropractor appointment and the gym.

I may not be where I was expecting to be by this point in my postgrad life, but I know that I’m right where I need to be, right where God wants me. I’m working on being content where I’m at and living in the moment, rather than being so wrapped up worrying about the future. Let me tell ya, it isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it.

Life Lessons: Mistakes and Goals and The Little Things.

Reminiscing about college makes me sad – partly because it’s almost over, but mostly because it didn’t live up to my expectations.

You know what they say,

hindsight is 20/20.

If I could go back and start freshman year over with the knowledge I have now, I would in a heartbeat. But wouldn’t everyone do something differently in their life if they knew then what they know now? I honestly think so.

Visiting Springfield this weekend put my heart into knots. I miss that town and my friends from Missouri State. As I was driving to meet Jodi for dinner, I wondered how different my life would be now had I not transferred to a school closer to home.

Love Life

When I graduated from high school, I was highly impressionable. I went to MSU with the promise of having my best friend there and not being as controlled by my mom, but looking back all I can think of is how much I hated it – I was doing awful in classes, Sam and I quit talking because of a guy, and I was 3 hours away from the family I was so close to. I took it hard, and the more I talked to Jodi, the more I decided that transferring was the best option. I wanted to go to Mizzou, but my mom wouldn’t allow the “party school” atmosphere. Sadly, my mother has had a hand in a lot of the decisions I’ve made. I was never sure what I really wanted, and my mind changes faster than you could believe sometimes, so what others thought and said always played a major role in my decision-making. Looking back, I hate that I was so vulnerable.

I guess that is something good that came out of college though – I have grown immensely as a person. I still may not be sure of what I want, but I know I’m not the only person who is about to graduate and is unsure of their future. I have become more independent. I know I can take care of myself, and I am much better at not letting people walk all over me or make my decisions for me. I take advice and apply it, weighing my options and my pros/cons, but I never let one person’s opinion be my deciding factor anymore. I no longer try to please the masses. I no longer am trying to please my mother, which is incredibly difficult, but necessary.

Please don’t think my mom is a terrible person. She is one of the most amazing, caring and giving people I have ever met. But she thinks she’s right about everything, always (okay, sometimes she’s right, but not always). She is my biggest supporter and would do absolutely anything to help me reach my goals.

What are goals and where can I find some?

Do you ever feel like you’re just going through the motions of life and don’t really know what you want or how to get it? I do, and pretty constantly lately. I’m about to graduate, but I feel so inept in my abilities. I worry I’m going to be a failure. Honestly, if you had asked me two and a half years ago where I’d be when I’d graduated, I would have told you that I’d be with that stupid boy. I guess that’s something I learned throughout college, too, that you should never center your life around something that can change in the blink of an eye – whether that’s a friendship or a relationship, or even a pan of fresh-out-of-the-oven chocolate chip cookies – they can all disappear. That entire relationship took me on a dizzy ride around and I’m only just starting to stop spinning.

I don’t know when my dream of working for a magazine in the city, living in a high-rise loft and eating pastries at a cute coffee shop ever went away, but I still have that desire in the back of my mind. I honestly can hardly wait to start applying for jobs. I’m going to search every city until I find something that fits. I honestly don’t see myself staying in St Louis for much longer. I’m not sure where exactly I see myself, but I’m telling you, it isn’t here.

To be completely honest though, I would be so content with just falling in love and making a home. I could craft and blog and live and love. I would be so happy. If only it were feasible. Maybe someday, but not today.

Today, I will snuggle into bed in my one-bedroom apartment in preparation for another week of classes. I will work hard this week to bring my grades up while I begin packing for when my lease is up, planning my Europe trip, and working out in my free time.

I’ll try to remember the good times I’ve had throughout my four and a half years of college. I’ll appreciate the friends I’ve made, the things I’ve learned and the opportunities I’ve had. I’ll mourn a bit for the things that didn’t work out the way they were supposed to or the way I had hoped that would, and then I’ll move on, remembering that everything I have been through in the last four and a half years has made me into the person I am today. And as much as I question my value, I am constantly reminded that the person I’ve become is pretty okay.

Fall upon me quickly.

I may have to wait until closer to the end of the month to officially call this season Autumn, but today proves that fall is almost upon us. It’s quite and crisp and clear, and just overall wonderful. The birds are chirping and the wind is flowing through the leaves on the trees, plus the sun is shining. It’s perfect.

I just finished an online quiz, and for having the book in front of me, I did awful. The wording of questions really throws me off. I have never, ever been a good test taker. I can study for hours – reading the chapter, take notes, make flash cards for the vocabulary – and still get a C or D on them. I understand standardized testing to measure if the student is learning, but what if I’m not learning in that way? I would, and could, gladly write you an essay showing my understanding of standard deviation and coefficients of correlation. It would be much simpler and less frustrating, I promise. But alas, I cannot. So, I will fail these quizzes and thank God for assignments and reviews that keep my grade decent. I cannot explain the level of upset this causes.

Oh well.

I’m really looking forward to yoga class this morning. I think after that, I’ll clean my apartment, shower and do some more homework before heading down to the St. Louis Art Fair. I plan on spending a few hours down there, grabbing some groceries at Trader Joe’s and then watching movies with a friend. It should be a pretty good day. I’ve been needing one of those.

So let’s set the record straight.

CONTENT WARNING: This blog post will be a very mushy, sentimental lovey-dovey post, yet it will contain bits of anger, hurt and revenge. Continue if you dare, change the page if you must.

I have willed myself away from being this person. The person who gives absolutely everything to everyone. Why did I used to be this way? Because I liked to be liked, I longed to be accepted, I had need to be needed and a desire to be loved. I am, after all, only human. And a female, I might add.

Also, I am at this age and time in my life is which Eric Erikson’s stages of development theory refers to as, emerging adulthoodalso known as the “intimacy versus isolation” stage. In this stage, one either forms secure, young relationships or becomes isolated, lonely and depressed.

Well, what about those of us who are stuck in between? Erikson must have forgotten about us.

What about those who have experienced faithful, secure friendships without the promise of happily ever after? What happens when friendships fall apart and you’re left standing on the sidelines by yourself, with no one to hold your secrets? Well, Erikson’s stages of development are really more to do with attachment, which deals with love, which is obviously more of a relationship > friendship subject…so back to the main purpose of my post.

What happens when people just leave? This is it, the sappy part of the post where I tell you how I fell madly in love with a boy who said he loved me, but it ended. And so, my life as I knew it ended as well.

JUST KIDDING.

I’m not THAT kind of girl. I am strong, smart and independent. I will be graduating in less than FOUR months with degrees in Mass and Corporate Communications, and a minor in Psychology. I am in the top 10 percentile of my graduating class and act as residing president of my Alpha Chi Honors chapter. I already have a job offer and am looking into graduate schools in far-away places. I’m up at dawn, working out and doing devotions. I spend time with my friends and family, write letters to those who aren’t nearby andy enjoy happy hour once in a blue moon. I have my own life and I love every second of it.

I don’t need (and rarely want) a guy. Sure, the cute goodnight texts, the strong arms to hold you, the sweet nothings whispered…they’re all great things, but they aren’t necessary. I have a lot of living left to do before I tie myself down.

I was in love once. I found a boy who was my everything, and I would have given him the world if I could. Moon and stars and all. I would have moved the mountains had he asked. But he didn’t. He let me stand by him through deployments and crazy girlfriends, yet he walked away the second he didn’t need me anymore. He walked away without so much as a goodbye.

I stopped texting, it was easy enough. I still missed him (still do, actually), but my pride is so much bigger than my heart sometimes that I just don’t even let it affect me. I remind myself of what he did to me, and how much better off I am without him. But it doesn’t let me forget the amazing friendship we shared, the long Skypes, the phone calls at 3am…I haven’t forgotten any of it, and maybe that’s the problem.

Or maybe it’s that he’s talking to someone who was supposed to be my friend? Sure, it’s one thing to sleep with the guy I talked to for a week and then stood up at a bar. I can get over that, even if I did have to find out about it from someone else. But with someone I loved? WHO DOES THAT?! Apparently, my “friend”. I think the worst part is that she blamed me for overreacting about finding out she slept with the other kid (I simply asked if it was true and told her it was crummy that I had to hear it from someone else, instead of her, but that it was whatever…that’s definitely overreacting, I guess), and even when I apologized for supposedly hurting her, she felt okay enough to tell me that she didn’t think she was wrong and we couldn’t be friends. But ohhhh, it’s my fault? Well, is she wrong now that she’s stabbing ME in the back? Or is that just how she plays with revenge?

Now, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself and jumping to conclusions. I can’t help that the facts line up and I wouldn’t put it past her. But time will tell. Time always tells, and sadly, time tells long before people are ever honest with you.

I know I’m better off without both of them, but being lied to and stabbed in the back isn’t something you can take with a grain of salt. So I confide in my REAL friends and vent in a blog post. Mainly because no one I personally know is aware of my blog (maybe one person, but that’s probably it), and the rest are all of you poor souls who have actually put up with this terribly pathetic and grammatically incorrect post through it’s entirety. Saying anything on Twitter would cause too many questions and story rehashing, and I’m just not in the mood.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for being hurt by the actions (on top of missing the friendships I had with both of these people) I think I’d be over it. I’m practically over it, I just…needed to get it off my chest, one last time.

And now, I have.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.

The last days of summer…

I’ve been lazy the last few days. Well, not entirely lazy, just…kinda lazy. I was with mom at the mall on Monday and then took a long walk with Casie…then, I came home and laid on the couch…ALL. NIGHT. Then yesterday, I interned and then came home and laid on the couch for two hours, then did a 4 mile jog/hike on the Katy Trial and took a Pilates class. After that, I ran home to shower before going to Main Street with the girls for an hour. Then, I laid on the couch for an hour before picking Liana up from the airport. And today, I went to my internship, and I’ve been on the couch for the last two hours…but I’m going to Zumba tonight. Anddd then probably coming right back to the couch. It’s slightly ridiculous. Maybe it’s okay though, since I’m going to be super busy once classes start next week. Right? I hope so.

I have been eating terribly. Well, not terribly…but not well. The only veggie I’ve had in days are carrots. I’ve had fruit, peanut butter on toast and pita chips with hummus. But those have been the main food groups I’ve been living off of this week. I need to go grocery shopping. And actually make the food I buy. I think it’ll be better next week when I go straight from working out to class to the internship then home for dinner and homework. I’ll have to make dinner!

I think this semester will be good for me. That, or it’ll be the death of me. We’ll see.

I am heartbroken.

This week has flown by and I’ve had very few chances to blog. And when I’ve had time, I’ve really had nothing to say. But today is different. Today, I have nothing left to say, but I’m going to say it anyway.

I lost a good friend last night. He was 22 years young and enjoying a game of softball with some friends when he had a seizure. I can’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling at the moment, except to say that I am completely heartbroken.

Matt was the kind of person who could always make you laugh. Whether it was something he said or his goofy personality, he knew how to lighten up a room and put a smile on everyone’s face. He was something. We went to high school together and became really good friends throughout junior and senior year. When we both went to MSU for college, we spent a lot of time hanging out with a great group of people and made memories that I will never forget. From standing in line to get tickets to a blackout game to waiting for pizza in the dining hall, we enjoyed our freshman year. I’ll never forget the night that we drove an hour to a casino, stuffed our faces, played some penny slots, then stopped at an “adult video store” and played padiddle the rest of the drive back to campus before the boys raced down the hallway with their pants around their ankles. I’ll never forget our first night in the dorms, when his girlfriend called me in a panic after his first seizure or racing up six floors of stairs to show the EMTs where to go and praying he would be okay. I won’t forget the summer he called me in tears because they had broken up, and how being in the middle caused a riff in my friendship with both of them. I won’t forget watching the boys play softball, or when he called to tell me another friend had lost his life at such a young age. I won’t forget high school, when we didn’t accomplish anything in classes. When the boys wore the most ridiculous outfits for Model UN or when we took a tour of SLU with Mrs. Thater’s class. I won’t forget watching the boys play football or dance like goons at homecomings and proms.

I won’t forget any of it.

I can’t keep my thoughts straight, so this may be as hard to read as it is to write, but I’m trying. When I got the text about Matt last night, I had no idea. I had been asleep when I heard my phone go off and when I heard the news, I lost it. I cried for two hours straight and woke up with my eyes still burning from tears. I have to work today, but I don’t see that going well. I know I can’t just sit and mourn the loss of such a great friend, especially since it’s much more suiting to celebrate his life instead.

He was an amazing guy, who’s impact on my life will never be forgotten. RIP, Mattycakes.

Peace and contentment, oh how nice to finally meet you.

I am never content. EVER. I have this feeling that I always need to be doing more, seeing more, being more. And I’ve never been able to just live in the moment that I’m in.

Until recently.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with a lot of emotional baggage left by some jerk and feelings of self-worthlessness thanks to a bit of weight gain after a few accidents. But I’m putting all of that behind me. I know who I am, I know what I stand for, and I know what I want. Well, I mostly know what I want…I kind of usually just wing it. But I have a good, general idea of what I’d like to do in the next few years, and that’s good enough for me.

I’m finally figuring a lot of things out. I’m finally finding peace of mind. I’m learning to have faith. I’m learning to trust in the Lord. I’m learning, my God, am I learning.

I couldn’t do it without my amazing support system. My parents are everything. My parents pay my school expenses, they help with bills I can’t make when I don’t get enough hours, Daddy takes care of all my car’s needs, Mom listens to me rant and ramble and rant some more. They are seriously amazing. And I honestly have no idea where I would be today if it weren’t for them.

I have a handful of friends that I can truly count on. And to someone who has lost so many people throughout life, it’s the most wonderful feeling. To have friends who know your strengths and your weaknesses. Friends who know when you need a hug or when you need to just be left alone. Friends who offer support and encouragement, but kick you in the butt when they think you need it. Friends who teach you patience and self-control. Friends who push you to be better, because they know you can do it. Friends who let you beat yourself up for a bit, then tell you to pull up your big girl panties and get on with life. These are my friends, and I couldn’t have ever asked for better ones.

I’ve been seeking the Lord more. I’ve been spending time each morning in devotions, reading His word and praying. I don’t want this to be another “phase” in my walk. Where I start devotions and going to church and then get busy and backslide out of it. Never again do I want to be of this world.

This is a time in my life where I’m content, and I’m happy. Nothing is going to take that away.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

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