Choosing Happy

Help me, I’m dead.

I wish I was kidding. After an all-nighter driving I-70, a week of adventuring in the Rockies, a full day driving home and then another I-70 excursion to KC for the US Open Cup match in one day, I am dead. Sure, I’ve slept in until 10 and 11 all week (who even am I?!), but that hasn’t brought me back up to speed.

Today was the first day since Sunday that I’ve woken up before the double-digits hit the clock and I must admit that it was a rough start. And that’s coming from someone who prefers to be up before the sun… This morning was a struggle, physically, mentally and emotionally. I don’t know what my deal is lately, but my depression has hit an all-time high. However, I will not let it drag me down. I am more determined than ever to overcome the obstacles that are presently in my way and I will be damned if something as pitiful as depression deters me from the goals I have.

I am no longer a victim to depression or to fear. I am learning exactly what I want and what I am capable of. It’s taken me 25 years to figure it out, and now that I have, I will not be controlled by the things that don’t have my best interests at heart. I have dreams and I have goals and I will not be stopped.

Some days you just have to choose…

Some days are harder than others. Some days, it rains and I’m tired and all I want to do is curl up into a ball under my covers and sleep all day. But I don’t, not usually, anyway. Those are the days that I know if I succumb to my depression, I lose. Those are the days where it is the hardest, but it matters the most. It matters that I get up, get dressed and get things done.

Today, I woke up and just needed a hug. When my mom walked in, I cried and cried. I could go on about why, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I dried my tears and made it to my meeting at work on time. I’ve spent the past few hours sitting at a coffee shop accomplishing things for work and enjoying a coffee with my scone and biscotti (okay, so I’m also an emotional eater…). I’ve been watching the rain come down on this dreary day in Saint Louis and dreaming about the mountains, recognizing how I feel in this moment and realizing what I need to do to get me where I need and want to be.

Today is one of those days where you just have to choose, and today I choose to be happy.

Mother’s Day Weekend.

What a nice, good weekend.

I spent Friday after doing what I now can’t quite remember (darn you early onset forgetfulness!), then I met my mama at the gym after she got off of work for our workouts. After that, I headed home to make some dinner – GF pizza for her, leftover grilled chicken with asparagus and a sweet potato for me. As soon as I had gotten out of the shower, a friend text me and invited me to join her and some friends to see Ironman 3. However, I’m not a huge movie fan (not to mention I haven’t seen Ironman and Ironman 2), so I planted myself on the couch and watched/helped the girls play games (my mom and sister were playing Apple-to-Apples and Headbanz with my nieces and two of their friends). I was quite content.

On Saturday, I woke up early for breakfast and devotions before I was off to the gym for some cardio and core. Kali, the new trainer, kicked my butt in her core class. But I completely enjoyed it! After a quick lunch and shower, I set off with mom and sis to get some grocery and dress shopping knocked out. Chesterfield Bottoms, Whole Foods and West County Mall on a Saturday afternoon – not our best plan! But we accomplished everything we set out to do, and when I got home, I threw together dinner (while helping put away all the groceries, I might add) before heading over to Kory’s for a relaxing night in with friends. I absolutely love nights like that. Nights where you play cards, take goofy pictures and stay up just talking, laughing and joking – it’s such a good time. By the time I got home and took a shower (I knew if I waited, I wouldn’t get one before church — oh the perks of living with a ton of people!), I didn’t get to bed until nearly 2:30am!



Luckily, I was wide awake at 6:30am on Sunday morning to start my busy day in the kitchen. First up, GF banana nut pancakes, eggs and bacon for a small Mother’s Day brunch! Then a cake in the oven for sister’s 21st birthday (a very drunk Barbie cake) and a GF apple cinnamon streusel coffee cake for mom (and me!). I got the girls and myself ready for church, decorated the cake and managed to prep a bunch for dinner before we headed to church. It was such a great sermon. Pastor spoke on how we don’t see ourselves as clearly (or near as beautiful) as everyone else sees us. What a much needed message! While out shopping Saturday, this young girl who was passing me stopped to say, “you’re really pretty, just so you know” – it completely made my day! It’s amazing what a simple compliment can do! I suggest you look for an opportunity to compliment someone today, as I promise you, it will make their day a bit brighter.

Mama Bear

Mama Bear

Mother’s Day with the family went off without a hitch! Well, unless you count the strawberry sauce that fell and broke, leaving glass all over the floor. Or the grill that kept going out because of the wind (I love/hate propane). Or the million other little things… but I didn’t let them get to me. I grilled, set up dinner, washed all the dishes, cleaned up after – all so my mama could enjoy her day (which she did, btw). By the time everyone left and I sat in the recliner, I was exhausted. I passed out in the chair at 8pm!

Next up…

Now, it’s a glorious Monday morning and I’m feeling so very blessed. I’m off to work on internship things before heading to an interview, a chiropractor appointment and the gym.

I may not be where I was expecting to be by this point in my postgrad life, but I know that I’m right where I need to be, right where God wants me. I’m working on being content where I’m at and living in the moment, rather than being so wrapped up worrying about the future. Let me tell ya, it isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it.

In her skin…

I cannot explain how comfortable I am in my own skin again.

I am within 10-15 pounds of my pre-accident weight, and while I haven’t been to the gym to tone up since I’ve dropped some weight, I still feel amazing.

Yes, I’d like it if my tummy, thighs and arms jiggled a bit less, but they will in time. As for right now, I’m fitting into jeans I haven’t worn in two years. And not like, squeezing uncomfortably into them, but having wiggle room. HOW FRICKING AMAZING!

I can’t wait to tone up, but since I’m going to be out of town for ten out of the next twelve weeks, I figure it’s best to wait until I’m back in the states to begin a strength-training regimen. So for now I’ll just stick to long walks with friends.

I am so comfortable and oh-so-happy. Yes, I have more weight to lose, and I will. Eventually. I’m learning new habits, trying new things, cooking new recipes, and realizing that this new me is the person I really want to be for a long time.

I don’t know when it happened.

I don’t know when I stopped being sad and achy and became this happy-go-lucky girl that I knew quite some moons ago, but I cannot express how amazing it feels to finally see her again. To be the girl who goes out of her way for others. The who doesn’t fight with her mom or use ignorant, cut throat words with her sister anymore. The one who put herself and her wants before anyone else’s needs.

I am so happy to see that cold, heartless self fade away and see the smiling, singing girl that I used to be, standing there with just a few scars to remind her of every single thing that the past two years have brought and how she overcame them to be even better than she was before.

I don’t know where my life is going after Europe. I don’t have a job planned or a place of my own, but I have my family, my friends and myself again. I suddenly know that I am limitless.



May 2012

Late May 2012

December 2012

November 30, 2012

December 2012

December 1, 2012

Peace and contentment, oh how nice to finally meet you.

I am never content. EVER. I have this feeling that I always need to be doing more, seeing more, being more. And I’ve never been able to just live in the moment that I’m in.

Until recently.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with a lot of emotional baggage left by some jerk and feelings of self-worthlessness thanks to a bit of weight gain after a few accidents. But I’m putting all of that behind me. I know who I am, I know what I stand for, and I know what I want. Well, I mostly know what I want…I kind of usually just wing it. But I have a good, general idea of what I’d like to do in the next few years, and that’s good enough for me.

I’m finally figuring a lot of things out. I’m finally finding peace of mind. I’m learning to have faith. I’m learning to trust in the Lord. I’m learning, my God, am I learning.

I couldn’t do it without my amazing support system. My parents are everything. My parents pay my school expenses, they help with bills I can’t make when I don’t get enough hours, Daddy takes care of all my car’s needs, Mom listens to me rant and ramble and rant some more. They are seriously amazing. And I honestly have no idea where I would be today if it weren’t for them.

I have a handful of friends that I can truly count on. And to someone who has lost so many people throughout life, it’s the most wonderful feeling. To have friends who know your strengths and your weaknesses. Friends who know when you need a hug or when you need to just be left alone. Friends who offer support and encouragement, but kick you in the butt when they think you need it. Friends who teach you patience and self-control. Friends who push you to be better, because they know you can do it. Friends who let you beat yourself up for a bit, then tell you to pull up your big girl panties and get on with life. These are my friends, and I couldn’t have ever asked for better ones.

I’ve been seeking the Lord more. I’ve been spending time each morning in devotions, reading His word and praying. I don’t want this to be another “phase” in my walk. Where I start devotions and going to church and then get busy and backslide out of it. Never again do I want to be of this world.

This is a time in my life where I’m content, and I’m happy. Nothing is going to take that away.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8


Mmm, there’s nothing like a great Friday to get you in a good-timin’ mood!

Plus, I don’t have to work tonight or tomorrow (yay for weeks off!!). After my internship, I’m going for a run at the gym (believe me, after all the brownies I had today, I need it!). Then, showering and heading to the casino for dinner, drink and gambling with mom and the girls. It’s going to be a blast.

Tomorrow, after a morning workout, I plan on spending alllll day relaxing by the pool with my girlfriends. Sun on our skin and drinks in our hands! Then, it’s off to Side Pockets for fun and drinks. I need a relaxing weekend. Sunday will be my cleaning the apartment/recovery day.


I don’t like you.

And the best part, is that I don’t have to.
I simply have to tolerate you.

He’ll be home soon enough, and he’ll see you for the person you really are.

Until then, I’ll let you think your rant had an effect on me.

But it didn’t.

I have never allowed anyone to tell me what kind of friendship I’m allowed to have with another person, and you can be assured that I’m not about to let it start now.

We have been friends for nearly two years, we have talked this way since the day I met him and we will continue to do so. If you can’t handle that, that isn’t my problem. I am not “loud in your face” about it, nor do I act like I am in a relationship with him. By telling me that you “don’t want to pick his friends”, all I hear is what a controlling bitch you are. I’m sorry that you “being happy makes him happy” …or at least I’m sorry that’s what you think.

Funny thing is, that line is a joke. Of course if another person is happy, you’re happier. But you’re looking at it from the wrong angle with all the wrong perspective. I know how much you bitch. He’s told me and I’ve seen it. So in other words, if you’re in bitch-mode, he’s miserable and if you’re happy, he’s happy. Well, I’m usually happy, too, if I’m not walking on eggshells worrying if I’m going to get bitched at for something piddly, like whether I’m confederate or union. Do you even know what era we’re in?

You’re a waste case, and I can’t wait until he takes action on what he has already realized.