I’m going to try not to disappear.

But I’m already drowning under chapters to be read, terms to study and summaries to complete.

I’m liking most of my classes so far, it’s just that they all require so much work. I’m hoping to find a weekend to visit Sam in Springfield and fly out to Vegas with Liana, but things are looking slim. I’ve decided that I’m not going to obsess over working out. I’m going to do it when I can, I’m going to eat well, and I’m going to keep working on my weight loss goals, but I will not stress myself out if I only get 4 half-hour workouts in a week instead of 6 hour long ones. I will be proud of myself for accomplishing what I can while maintaining my GPA, learning at my internship, working on weekends, planning Alpha Chi events, going to church, seeing my family and keeping my apartment from looking like a tornado hit it.

 

We’ll see how that goes.

 

I really love blogging for fun though, so I’m going to try to continue with that.  However, I’ve already seen my Facebook and Twitter activity slow though, so this could be next. So, if you read my blog, try to bear with me as I trudge through my final semester as an undergrad!! xx

The last days of summer…

I’ve been lazy the last few days. Well, not entirely lazy, just…kinda lazy. I was with mom at the mall on Monday and then took a long walk with Casie…then, I came home and laid on the couch…ALL. NIGHT. Then yesterday, I interned and then came home and laid on the couch for two hours, then did a 4 mile jog/hike on the Katy Trial and took a Pilates class. After that, I ran home to shower before going to Main Street with the girls for an hour. Then, I laid on the couch for an hour before picking Liana up from the airport. And today, I went to my internship, and I’ve been on the couch for the last two hours…but I’m going to Zumba tonight. Anddd then probably coming right back to the couch. It’s slightly ridiculous. Maybe it’s okay though, since I’m going to be super busy once classes start next week. Right? I hope so.

I have been eating terribly. Well, not terribly…but not well. The only veggie I’ve had in days are carrots. I’ve had fruit, peanut butter on toast and pita chips with hummus. But those have been the main food groups I’ve been living off of this week. I need to go grocery shopping. And actually make the food I buy. I think it’ll be better next week when I go straight from working out to class to the internship then home for dinner and homework. I’ll have to make dinner!

I think this semester will be good for me. That, or it’ll be the death of me. We’ll see.

This may get easier someday, but not today.

I’ve nearly accepted the fact that Matt is gone. It’s been so hard to wrap my head around it and all I’ve done is cry the last few days, but I’m beginning to accept that I’m just going to have to wait until I get to Heaven to hear his laugh again. It doesn’t mean I’m done crying, and it doesn’t mean that I’m not going to think about him everyday, but it means that I’ve nearly accepted it. I have some of the best memories with Matt and nothing can take those away from me.

I’m starting my workouts back up after my weekend off. I’m not looking forward to it, but know I’ll feel amazing afterwards. I’ve just had no energy the last few days! Honestly, I’m not sure how I made it through this weekend but having so much going on kept me busy and my mind off things. Friday I worked and then went to the Festival of the Little Hills with my mom and Chantal. We ate amazing greek food and walked around for a bit. Then Saturday I worked all day, grabbed dinner and a nap, then went back down to the festival with Melissa. I found a few Christmas gifts and then we came back to my apartment and watched The Hunger Games and talked. I’m not a HUGE movie fan, and usually catch the movies about 3 years after they come out, but she talked me into watching it, and I didn’t hate it. We were up pretty late, but I still made sure to get up for church on Sunday. I’ve been going to Church on the Rock in St. Peters for about three weeks now and I REALLY like it. Pastor Blunt has been speaking on Vision and Victory, and it’s really changing the way I look at things. I’m so lucky I stumbled upon this church, it’s exactly what I need at this time in my life. After church, I laid around for an hour before heading to my aunt’s house for lunch. She made turkey burgers, corn on the cob and cucumber/tomato salad. It was delicious. Plus, it was gorgeous outside. It was great to spend the day relaxing with two of my aunts and my cousin, it had been awhile since I’d seen them. After that, I stopped at the wax center to take care of some, uh, business, came home and attempted to make protein pancakes for dinner (they weren’t that good, I’m going to have to find a different recipe…), then cleaned my apartment before showering and watching 4 (yeah, ridiculous) episodes of Pretty Little Liars (which I really liked).

So right now, I’m letting my breakfast digest a bit and then I’m hitting the gym for a run and some weight training. I’m going to meet mom at the mall later, talk to Jenny about transferring back to West County (I hate working at the VS in Mid Rivers), and see some friends. I think it’s going to be a good day off, then it’s gung-ho, here we go as my internship starts for the week, work all weekend and then school on Monday. Things are about to get even crazier!

How fickle my heart, how woozy my eyes.

I’ve been in this funk lately and up until today, it didn’t really hit me as of why. I’m friggin’ PMSing! Man, sometimes I hate being a woman (ha, did y’all see what I did there?).

Today sucked. Not just a little bit, but a whole lot. My workout at 6:30am was wonderful, then I took a nice shower and drank a protein smoothie before heading off to work. And that’s when it started. I was sitting at the computer trying to work on blogs and SEO projects when I couldn’t concentrate. I became drowsy and lethargic. Which was quite opposite of the runners high I had been having all morning.

I went to lunch with a friend (I didn’t eat anything though, Five Guys and a diet don’t work well together), then came back and tried getting back to work. By 2:30, I knew that if I didn’t leave, I’d be a hot mess in the middle of the office. So, I trudged home and took a nap (mind you, in the meantime I got an email from the apartment office saying I was missing $25 from my rent and also, someone didn’t leave the money they owed me for other bills). So, I was tired, pissy and overwhelmed. In fact, I was in tears.

A little nap, a change of clothes and some dinner later, I was off for Happy Hour drinks with the lunch friend. Surely this would bolster my mood!… Nope. Not even a Tequila Sunrise and four toasted raviolis (because this is STL!) could help what I was feeling. All it did was make me think about how fat I was and how I was never going to lose weight with these little “cheats” all the time.

So, here I lay on the couch, blogging about how pathetic I am after realizing I’m being a completely and ridiculously emotional girl. And I wonder why I’m single??

Which brings me to another topic. BOYS. Immature boys. Boys who lead you on and flirt with every other girl on the internet, boys who don’t pay you any attention when you walk into a room, and boys that you gave nearly everything to before they chose to walk out of your life without so much as a goodbye. And people have to wonder why I never want to get married??

I just want someone to love me as unconditionally as I love them. Is that really too much to ask? To find someone who can handle me at my worst PMSing moments and still think I’m incredible?

Oh hey August, how did you get here so quickly?

It’s August 4th already. The time is flying by and in just three short weeks, I will be on my way to finishing up my final undergrad semester. I’m ready for it. I’m ready for a distraction. I’m ready to be busy again.

Apparently the reason I haven’t worked in weeks is because they transferred me to the wrong store. Thanks Victoria’s Secret. While I needed a break, I need the money. I have a sum of maybe $15 in both bank accounts, bills that are due and a rent check out for $700 that the money hasn’t been deposited for yet. But you know what? I’m trusting God. And as hard as that is to say, as I have very little trust in anyone, I know that I can trust Him. I know He is there for me. I have been provided for time and time again.

I have food in my pantry and fridge, enough gas to get me around for a few days and the best support system a girl could ask for. Honestly, I’m doing pretty great compared to a lot of people.

After these last few weeks of being lazy and relaxed, but also working out and getting things accomplished, I am so ready to get back to work. VS should be able to give me enough hours this semester and so it will be worth keeping. Plus, I’m close enough to this store that it isn’t a big deal to work later hours. I’m worried about my classes, as I’ve heard some of them are really difficult and time consuming, especially having to intern for 15-20 hours a week on top of them and homework and work. But I know I can do it. I always have made it through and I will again.

I’ve yet to decide what I’m doing after graduation. I’ve yet to decide if I’m sticking around another year or high-tailing it out of state. I wish I had more plans and more stability in my life. Maybe someday, yeah? For right now, I’m going to have to continue having trust and faith that things will work out and come through. I’ve never been very good at either, but I’m working on it.

I’m such a worrier. My mother told me just last week that I was “too uptight”. I, of course, denied it. But she’s right. I’m so uptight. I worry about things that I can’t control and when they work themselves out, I’m not thankful enough. I have this guard up that no one can break through and I think that it keeps me safe from others seeing how I feel, or who I am. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t keep me hidden. It doesn’t protect my heart from hurt and pain and disappointment.

There are going to disappointments and hurt in this life, and I know that. But that’s life. And feeling that hurt? It just means you’re alive and human.

 

“Never be ashamed of the scars that life left you. A scar means the hurt’s over, the wound’s closed, you endured the pain and God healed you.” – @prvrbs31_woman

Philippians 4: 8-13

The seasons are merciless.

Today was, okay. I didn’t get my butt up out of bed in time for a morning workout, but I got ready and didn’t have to rush, which is always nice.  I even had time to do my devotions. At my internship, I played around on a new networking site, Klout, edited some webpages using WordPress and read a few blogs.

It was a pretty easy day, but I’m still so sleepy from our trip to Kentucky that I wasn’t much for functioning. I took a short nap after work, ran to the bank, picked up some groceries from Aldi’s (love that store!) and then met the girls at El Maguey for margaritas before finishing off my day with a run and a shower.

I’m beginning to feel so free.

I’m finally learning to do what I love and enjoy where I’m at in life, without always biting at the bit for the next adventure. All day, I argued with myself about whether or not I was going to go have margaritas. My diet really didn’t need them after everything I ate this weekend, and I surely don’t have the extra money to go out, but I wanted to see the girls (and knew, as a social drinker, that I couldn’t not have food and a drink).

I had a really great time though, we laughed and made plans for the fall, and I don’t regret that jumbo margarita (because who ever just goes for the regular size?).  I even made myself run after we went out. Sure, it wasn’t my most intense workout ever, but it wasn’t my worst. My running and breathing is getting better, even easier. I know that I can’t “fix” the last four days of bad eating in one workout, so why try to kill myself thinking that I can?

I’ve come to realize that it’s all about your mindset. And I’ve come to realize, that my mind is finally starting to find its way back to me.