I’m Really Bad at This…

I kind of suck…

Maybe someday I’ll get better at this whole blogging thing.

Or maybe not. I journal every morning, and since I’m never on my computer anymore (unless it’s to watch Netflix), I never think to blog.

Plus, who really needs to know every nitty-gritty detail about my ever-so-boring life?

Boring is Right

Oh, how mundane my life has become. I’m back to being employed, but it isn’t glamourous. Working as a Restaurant Manager is definitely not the “dream job” I had in mind when I received my Bachelor’s degree. No sir, not me, not at all. But it’s a job and it’s paying my bills at the moment (YAY for just paying off one of my credit cards and cutting it up!). It’s frustrating some days, and it can be stressful, and annoying, but I like most of the people I work with, I make a decent amount of money, and I’m not sitting on my butt all day.

But when did I lose my drive? When did I become so comfortable? When did I stop dreaming? When I realized I was in mounds of student loan debt? When I figured living at home and not paying rent meant I could pay off my credit cards?

Don’t get me wrong, I adore my family and I am ever so thankful to be home for the holidays, but this is not where I thought I’d be a year out of college. Not that everyone is where they expect to be at this time, it just seems like all my friends have it so together and here I at – back at home in a dead-end job failing miserably. I know it’s just my own point-of-view and lots of people think I’m doing great, but it’s not what I wanted. It’s not what I want.

I started serving at the Pub to make some extra cash while I continued job hunting. But a quick move to a management position left me with more hours at work and less worry about finding a career. I’m not sure why, but I stopped looking altogether. I became comfortable, thinking that this was where God wanted me for this season in my life. Not that I don’t think God has great plans for my life, because I truly believe that he does, and not that I don’t think I’m where I’m supposed to be according to his plan, because I’m learning and growing every single day. I’m just not sure that sitting on my butt after work every night doing nothing but waiting is going to open any doors or show me any life changing revelations.

So, I’m back to the job hunt. I’m going to apply for anything and everything, everywhere. I’m going to take the time and get down to business. I can’t sit idle any longer and watch life pass me by.

High Hopes

I’m still writing blogs for Once Upon a Time. It’s been a slow start up, as the CEO also works a full-time job and the entire organization is still in the beginning phases. But she asked me to stay on after I “interned” for the summer to continue blogging and working on the social media. I’m excited to do so, and hope that it will give me more experience and possibly open some doors in the future.

She said she’s received a lot of great feedbacks on my blogs, and that makes me happy. I love to write, it really is a passion of mine and I would love to make a career out of it. Honestly, if someone paid me to travel and write and give my opinion, I’d be the happiest girl. I have hopes that someday that will happen, that someday I’ll be flying all over the world experiencing new places and faces and things. Maybe it won’t happen. Maybe someday I’ll move to Maastricht and settle into the little city that I adore so much. Maybe I’ll marry the cute boy I run into at the gym every so often and stay in St. Louis.

My life is full of big hopes and uncertainty and limitless possibilities, and it’s time I got back on track to chasing them.

My life, my choice.

I’ve been looking at graduate schools for a few months now, as graduation is quickly approaching at the end of the year. Today, I told my mom that I was looking into Webster Graduate School London. It didn’t take but two seconds before she began shooting down reasons that I shouldn’t go – I have a job offer here, I can take my master’s courses at Lindenwood for less than other schools, I don’t have to go into grad schools right away because other people settle into a job first and do it as they have time, she told me it was a bad decision to go to MSU first and knew I regretted it like I would regret having more financial debt after grad school – the list was endless.

It broke my heart. I understand her small-town contentment, but that’s not me. I am made for so much more, and I know it. But how do you get to more when you’re main source of support is dragging you down?

I have thought ten times over about grad school at LU and the job I’ve been offered after my internship is completed, I am thankful that these opportunities are at my disposal. But what if they’re not enough? What if I want to go somewhere new and experience things I have only ever dreamt of? I have had a desire to be in London for years. If I can get a Master’s in my field in London, for the same price I would pay out-of-state at any other university in the US, why wouldn’t I take that route? Why wouldn’t I do something I have always wanted to do? Why shouldn’t I?

I envy people who have had their undergraduate school paid for, as I will have an incredible amount of debt coming out. I didn’t know half the things I know now, and if I could go back and apply for more, I would. But I can’t. So I plan to do whatever it takes to see if I can get funding for grad school. Particularly, grad school in London.

This is what I want.
This is my choice.
This is my time.