Set It Free.

Forgiveness

I thought I knew what forgiveness was. It’s when someone says they’re sorry and you accept their apology, letting go of the offense they made towards you. Isn’t it?

Well, yes. But forgiving someone and letting go of what they did to you doesn’t always take away the pain and the hurt that they caused you, no matter how unintentional it might have been. And usually, people don’t intend to hurt us, but they do and it’s in those time when it hurts the most.

Today during church, the pastor said that he felt someone needed prayer for forgiveness. Instantly, my mind went to one person. It was the same person that just this morning I had written about in my journal…

“So many times I just want to text and tell him how much I miss him and how much I hate him for everything he did and to thank him for all the lessons I learned and tell him I’m happy for him and ask him what wasn’t good enough about me and just cry so that he can see and feel and deal with everything he just dropped when he stopped giving a damn about me. But I never will. I will never again let him know that he had such a strong impact on who I am today. Because he won’t care enough and I’ll care too much. And that’s not worth it anymore.”

I didn’t go up for prayer.

I continued sitting with my legs crossed in the very back row of the church like I normally do. I figured he wasn’t talking to someone else. I had forgiven A quite some time ago for all the things that he had done to me. It wasn’t until I was in Europe that I realized I was truly over it all. I let it go. That meant I forgave him, right? I said I forgave him. Then that day that I was back home and I broke down in tears because I didn’t feel like enough, the day that God met me right there on the driveway as I cried out to Him. Surely I had let all of A’s offenses go for good that day. Hadn’t I?

When he walked away, I was devastated. After everything we had been through. Even after it all, I had stood beside him, and then he left. Just like that, with no explanation. No phone call, no apology, nothing. I let him go, knowing that I needed to, but that didn’t make it any easier.

A part of me was still hanging on. Why? I don’t know, and I may never know.

But I do know that when the pastor continued waiting as one then two and three then four others walked up for prayer, that he was waiting for me. I kept sitting, shifting ever-so-slightly in my seat from the discomfort of the heaviness I was feeling in my chest. With each second, it burned even more.

Before I knew it, I was moving towards the front. I heard a whisper, “there she is” from someone in the pews as I walked. I stood at the front of the church fighting tears as I twisted my rings around my finger, as I often do when I’m thinking over something I’m not sure of.

“What if it wasn’t me he was talking about?”

Usually when someone else goes up for a prayer call, I sigh a breath of relief that it wasn’t me who the Lord was calling out. But not this time. This time, I knew the moment pastor spoke that it was me he was talking to.

He confirmed that when he anointed my head with oil and breathed the words “thank you for your obedience” onto my forehead.

He clasped both his hands on the back of my neck and I sobbed. His words aren’t something I’ll soon forget, nor will that prayer of forgiveness I repeated. In that moment, I was setting it free. I was once and for all letting go of the hurt and the anger and the resentment that I had towards this person who had damaged me so badly.

For the first time, I was finally forgiving him and meaning it.

Taking a Bite of Humble Pie

Take a Bite of Humble Pie…

…or in my case, eat the whole thing.

Life isn’t easy. Whoever says it is, well, they’re a liar. We read joke about suing Disney for giving us a the wrong ideas about love and fairytales and happily every after, but in reality, nothing in life is really like it is in the movies.

You don’t always get the boy you want (usually that’s something you’ll thank God for later, but if you don’t believe me, just ask Garth Brooks…), the ugly girl doesn’t always come out on top to win Prom Queen, and your “college experience” is nowhere near as perfect as the movies portray it to be. One big party? More like four (or four and a half) years of hard work, late nights studying, struggling to make it to 8am classes after working your part-time job and not getting home until midnight, declining going out for drinks with your friends because of a group project you’re doing solo… yeah, a real “party” that is (granted, I ended up in a national honors society and graduated with a 3.55 GPA, which may compare differently to the grades that some of those partiers got…let’s not get into the ones that could go out every night and still pass with a 4.0, we kind of hate them…)

Life is Supposed to Be Easy

I’m getting off track. Life isn’t easy. It’s supposed to be, but it isn’t. As humans, we make it complicated. As a perfectionist, I always feel as I though I fall short.

If you’ve been following my blog for any good length of time, you’ll know that I took two months off after graduation to travel throughout Europe. When I did this, I gave up my retail job at Victoria’s Secret, I declined a position at the ad agency I was interning at (which wasn’t really a “real” offer, but we won’t get into that right now) and I agreed to move back into my parent’s house.

Now, in my “movie-perfect” mind, I was going to return from my trip (okay, if I’m being honest, I had no intention of returning home from my trip – I really thought I was going to fall in love and never come back. Well, I met a boy, but I ended up back in Missouri, so that story doesn’t need any further explanation).

theleadingedgeblog.com

theleadingedgeblog.com

Fairytale Fail

But alas, here I am. Back in my parent’s basement. I didn’t expect to be here for this long. Somewhere in my crazy mind, I was only going to be back for a month or two before I snagged my “dream job”. I’m not sure how I planned to snag it so quickly, especially since I’m not even entirely sure that I have one… I’m also not sure who I expected to just hand me a job, or why I thought it would be so easy to come by. But I did. And I have found that I was so very mistaken.

So, here I sit. Slowly moving from the spare room upstairs to an empty room back in the basement apartment at my parent’s house, seeing as I’m going to be here for longer than originally expected. I’ve been getting my niece ready for school and on the bus, working out, doing internship blogs and working at a new pub in town for some cash to start paying off my credit card and student loans. I’m still job hunting, kind of. It’s awfully depressing when there is absolutely nothing available, and you haven’t heard back from anywhere you’ve applied so far. Wait, that’s a lie. I actually did get an “although we were impressed with your qualifications, we have decided not to move your application forward” email the other day. I think I liked not hearing back better…

But I will readjust my big girl panties and continue  moving forward. Continuing to move forward may be a slow process, but at least I’m not idle. If we stop moving forward, we will never get anywhere in life. I know God has great plans for my life, even if my small human brain cannot seem to figure out what they might be as I spend this season of my life waiting tables and rely on my parent’s for my room and board. I guess you could say that I’m learning patience in this process, as well.

And who knows, maybe I’ll be like Alexis Bledel’s character in Post Grad. Move home, put up with my crazy family, meet a cute guy, get my dream job…

My life might not be an academy award winner, but it’s still a movie. Once I’m lucky enough to get to be the lead star in.

Oh July, where did you go?

July? What am I talking about, where did the other six months of this year go?

Life in General

I’ve been back from Europe for nearly five months now. I’m still jobless (though to be completely honest, my hunt has been lacking – there’s not much in St. Louis that I feel competent enough to do, and I haven’t heard back from any of the jobs I have applied for, therefore, the search just leads to being depressed and wanting to binge on gluten-free cacao chip cookies while taking breaks between sob sessions).

So I’ve been spending my days working out, laying out and trying to figure out my life. I have no real direction, and while that slightly scares me, I have an incredible peace about it. I know that peace only comes from the Lord, and I’m incredibly thankful to know that He is the one directing my life and that He has a plan for me, though I still have no idea what that may be.

Living at home has proven to be just as stressful as I assumed it would be, as there are way too many people under this roof. On top of that, my mother thinks I’m just out to make her miserable. I don’t smile enough or talk enough (and when I do, she says it’s sarcastic or disrespectful), I don’t wipe down the counters sufficiently (but, let’s not forget the fact that I do all the cooking, dish-washing and I do wipe down the counters), I don’t do this or that when I should or shouldn’t. Aren’t our relationship with our parents supposed to get better as we get older? Somewhere between high school and college we started losing the close relationship we had, and we’ve yet to be able to figure out how to get it back. I don’t know how to change any of this. I work on it and it seems like things are going well, then she goes off on me again. I’m not saying it’s completely her mood swings, but it can’t always be me (which she seems to think it is, though everyone else in the house can attest to it being her, as she gets this way with nearly everyone). Sorry for the rant, it just happened again, so it’s fresh on my mind. I love my mom, I honestly do. She has always provided for me, even when she had to go without to do it. I just wish I knew how to “fix” this. Any advice?

Workouts and Diet

My workouts have been intense lately. I was lifting heavy with less reps for quite awhile, but have joined a group of girls on Facebook who are creating workouts that are both challenging and really switching it up with the lighter lifts and higher reps. I love it though, and can already tell a huge difference just in the first week.

My diet is pretty much the same from day-to-day: protein, veggies, fruit, healthy fats. I eat a lot of the same things, but try to switch it up here and there, since I don’t want my body getting used to any one things. It’s hard when you’ve cut nearly everything out of your diet (I’ve been eating gluten, dairy, egg, corn and shrimp free). It’s actually been going really well. For those of you who think you could never cut all that out, I assure you that it gets easier with practice. When you feel so miserable whenever you eat any of that stuff, cutting it out is the most rewarding option. Plus, all that clean eating really helps with the cutting weight and healthy lifestyle.

I’ve also signed up to be a Beachbody Coach. I’m loving it so far! Although I’m still trying to get my follower count up. So if you’re interested, follow along on my journey through Facebook, Instagram and WordPress! Oops, nothing like a little self-advertising on my own blog, right? Haha.

Love Life

….what’s that?

I attempted this chat app. Which I suppose is a lot like online dating. And it sucks. One guy pretty much catfished me (really funny, now that I look back on it — I didn’t even know what that was until I started talking to a person on that app and they told me to Google it). I went to the Blake Shelton with another guy on Friday night. Talk about awkward. The drunk older women in front of us made a big deal about this “first date”, but by the end of it, two of them pulled me aside at separate times to advise me not to go on a second date with him. I had already planned not doing so before we even got to the concert, as I had “friend-zoned” him about three weeks ago. This probably makes me sound like a douche, but I really just wanted to see Blake Shelton, and figured it was as good of time as any to give this guy a chance. Thank goodness for the concert and the hilarious entertainment around me, otherwise I would have been miserable. After the concert, I met up with another guy I met on the app (who happened to know people I know, so it wasn’t quite as awkward). We sat outside by a fire for a few hours just chatting, and I thought it went fairly well, but I haven’t really heard from him since. So, guess that’s already finished.

I realize now why I have never liked the concept of dating. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and disappointing. But, at least now I can say I gave it a go, right?

Adios

I’m fairly sure that’s all the news I have at the moment. I’m sure there’s more that I will think of as soon as I post this, but oh well. I’m going to try to post more frequently, as every few months really isn’t enough.

I’m off to finish grilling dinner (we ran out of propane, so dad had to run to the gas station) and then stuff my face. When all else fails, my love of food does not.

Happy Sunday, loves! xx

Mother’s Day Weekend.

What a nice, good weekend.

I spent Friday after doing what I now can’t quite remember (darn you early onset forgetfulness!), then I met my mama at the gym after she got off of work for our workouts. After that, I headed home to make some dinner – GF pizza for her, leftover grilled chicken with asparagus and a sweet potato for me. As soon as I had gotten out of the shower, a friend text me and invited me to join her and some friends to see Ironman 3. However, I’m not a huge movie fan (not to mention I haven’t seen Ironman and Ironman 2), so I planted myself on the couch and watched/helped the girls play games (my mom and sister were playing Apple-to-Apples and Headbanz with my nieces and two of their friends). I was quite content.

On Saturday, I woke up early for breakfast and devotions before I was off to the gym for some cardio and core. Kali, the new trainer, kicked my butt in her core class. But I completely enjoyed it! After a quick lunch and shower, I set off with mom and sis to get some grocery and dress shopping knocked out. Chesterfield Bottoms, Whole Foods and West County Mall on a Saturday afternoon – not our best plan! But we accomplished everything we set out to do, and when I got home, I threw together dinner (while helping put away all the groceries, I might add) before heading over to Kory’s for a relaxing night in with friends. I absolutely love nights like that. Nights where you play cards, take goofy pictures and stay up just talking, laughing and joking – it’s such a good time. By the time I got home and took a shower (I knew if I waited, I wouldn’t get one before church — oh the perks of living with a ton of people!), I didn’t get to bed until nearly 2:30am!

Sister

Sister

Luckily, I was wide awake at 6:30am on Sunday morning to start my busy day in the kitchen. First up, GF banana nut pancakes, eggs and bacon for a small Mother’s Day brunch! Then a cake in the oven for sister’s 21st birthday (a very drunk Barbie cake) and a GF apple cinnamon streusel coffee cake for mom (and me!). I got the girls and myself ready for church, decorated the cake and managed to prep a bunch for dinner before we headed to church. It was such a great sermon. Pastor spoke on how we don’t see ourselves as clearly (or near as beautiful) as everyone else sees us. What a much needed message! While out shopping Saturday, this young girl who was passing me stopped to say, “you’re really pretty, just so you know” – it completely made my day! It’s amazing what a simple compliment can do! I suggest you look for an opportunity to compliment someone today, as I promise you, it will make their day a bit brighter.

Mama Bear

Mama Bear

Mother’s Day with the family went off without a hitch! Well, unless you count the strawberry sauce that fell and broke, leaving glass all over the floor. Or the grill that kept going out because of the wind (I love/hate propane). Or the million other little things… but I didn’t let them get to me. I grilled, set up dinner, washed all the dishes, cleaned up after – all so my mama could enjoy her day (which she did, btw). By the time everyone left and I sat in the recliner, I was exhausted. I passed out in the chair at 8pm!

Next up…

Now, it’s a glorious Monday morning and I’m feeling so very blessed. I’m off to work on internship things before heading to an interview, a chiropractor appointment and the gym.

I may not be where I was expecting to be by this point in my postgrad life, but I know that I’m right where I need to be, right where God wants me. I’m working on being content where I’m at and living in the moment, rather than being so wrapped up worrying about the future. Let me tell ya, it isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it.

My Baby Sister.

My baby sister and I used to fight like cats and dogs. We were, and still are, completely different people.

I used to get so jealous that my friends all go along with their sisters. They were always the best of friends, and here I was, constantly feeling enraged by sister – she stole my clothes, took things without asking, used my stuff, got me in trouble (sure, they weren’t things to get enraged over, but I was a teenager…clothes are a big deal!).

In recent years, my sister and I have really gotten closer, and I couldn’t be more happy about it. I am so thankful to be blessed with a sister who is so loving and caring. She honestly would do anything for anyone, and that is just one of her many amazing traits.

This isn’t to say that we don’t still fight or say mean things to each other, because we do…but we’re getting so much better at not doing that, and instead just enjoying each other and the company. She is honestly one of the most important people in my life, and I wish I would have realized that years ago so that we hadn’t wasted so many years bickering. But it’s not too late.

She scared me yesterday. My dad had to rush her to the ER after she had been throwing up for a full day. By the time they got there, her blood sugar was almost in the 600’s, which is high for anyone, especially a diabetic. They admitted her into ICU and have been giving her medicine through an IV to treat a bacterial infection. I didn’t go see her last night, and everything in me wanted to. But she can’t really have visitors and my dad was already there, so he was going to stay.

I’ve never been so scared that something was seriously wrong. I worry and care so much for her on a daily basis, but this was so extreme. It makes me realize what a wonderful and amazing sister I am so lucky to have, and it makes me realize that we don’t know what could happen tomorrow, so we should never take for granted what we have today.

And today, I’m going to see my baby sister ❤

 

Sis and I

So let’s set the record straight.

CONTENT WARNING: This blog post will be a very mushy, sentimental lovey-dovey post, yet it will contain bits of anger, hurt and revenge. Continue if you dare, change the page if you must.

I have willed myself away from being this person. The person who gives absolutely everything to everyone. Why did I used to be this way? Because I liked to be liked, I longed to be accepted, I had need to be needed and a desire to be loved. I am, after all, only human. And a female, I might add.

Also, I am at this age and time in my life is which Eric Erikson’s stages of development theory refers to as, emerging adulthoodalso known as the “intimacy versus isolation” stage. In this stage, one either forms secure, young relationships or becomes isolated, lonely and depressed.

Well, what about those of us who are stuck in between? Erikson must have forgotten about us.

What about those who have experienced faithful, secure friendships without the promise of happily ever after? What happens when friendships fall apart and you’re left standing on the sidelines by yourself, with no one to hold your secrets? Well, Erikson’s stages of development are really more to do with attachment, which deals with love, which is obviously more of a relationship > friendship subject…so back to the main purpose of my post.

What happens when people just leave? This is it, the sappy part of the post where I tell you how I fell madly in love with a boy who said he loved me, but it ended. And so, my life as I knew it ended as well.

JUST KIDDING.

I’m not THAT kind of girl. I am strong, smart and independent. I will be graduating in less than FOUR months with degrees in Mass and Corporate Communications, and a minor in Psychology. I am in the top 10 percentile of my graduating class and act as residing president of my Alpha Chi Honors chapter. I already have a job offer and am looking into graduate schools in far-away places. I’m up at dawn, working out and doing devotions. I spend time with my friends and family, write letters to those who aren’t nearby andy enjoy happy hour once in a blue moon. I have my own life and I love every second of it.

I don’t need (and rarely want) a guy. Sure, the cute goodnight texts, the strong arms to hold you, the sweet nothings whispered…they’re all great things, but they aren’t necessary. I have a lot of living left to do before I tie myself down.

I was in love once. I found a boy who was my everything, and I would have given him the world if I could. Moon and stars and all. I would have moved the mountains had he asked. But he didn’t. He let me stand by him through deployments and crazy girlfriends, yet he walked away the second he didn’t need me anymore. He walked away without so much as a goodbye.

I stopped texting, it was easy enough. I still missed him (still do, actually), but my pride is so much bigger than my heart sometimes that I just don’t even let it affect me. I remind myself of what he did to me, and how much better off I am without him. But it doesn’t let me forget the amazing friendship we shared, the long Skypes, the phone calls at 3am…I haven’t forgotten any of it, and maybe that’s the problem.

Or maybe it’s that he’s talking to someone who was supposed to be my friend? Sure, it’s one thing to sleep with the guy I talked to for a week and then stood up at a bar. I can get over that, even if I did have to find out about it from someone else. But with someone I loved? WHO DOES THAT?! Apparently, my “friend”. I think the worst part is that she blamed me for overreacting about finding out she slept with the other kid (I simply asked if it was true and told her it was crummy that I had to hear it from someone else, instead of her, but that it was whatever…that’s definitely overreacting, I guess), and even when I apologized for supposedly hurting her, she felt okay enough to tell me that she didn’t think she was wrong and we couldn’t be friends. But ohhhh, it’s my fault? Well, is she wrong now that she’s stabbing ME in the back? Or is that just how she plays with revenge?

Now, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself and jumping to conclusions. I can’t help that the facts line up and I wouldn’t put it past her. But time will tell. Time always tells, and sadly, time tells long before people are ever honest with you.

I know I’m better off without both of them, but being lied to and stabbed in the back isn’t something you can take with a grain of salt. So I confide in my REAL friends and vent in a blog post. Mainly because no one I personally know is aware of my blog (maybe one person, but that’s probably it), and the rest are all of you poor souls who have actually put up with this terribly pathetic and grammatically incorrect post through it’s entirety. Saying anything on Twitter would cause too many questions and story rehashing, and I’m just not in the mood.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for being hurt by the actions (on top of missing the friendships I had with both of these people) I think I’d be over it. I’m practically over it, I just…needed to get it off my chest, one last time.

And now, I have.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.

How fickle my heart, how woozy my eyes.

I’ve been in this funk lately and up until today, it didn’t really hit me as of why. I’m friggin’ PMSing! Man, sometimes I hate being a woman (ha, did y’all see what I did there?).

Today sucked. Not just a little bit, but a whole lot. My workout at 6:30am was wonderful, then I took a nice shower and drank a protein smoothie before heading off to work. And that’s when it started. I was sitting at the computer trying to work on blogs and SEO projects when I couldn’t concentrate. I became drowsy and lethargic. Which was quite opposite of the runners high I had been having all morning.

I went to lunch with a friend (I didn’t eat anything though, Five Guys and a diet don’t work well together), then came back and tried getting back to work. By 2:30, I knew that if I didn’t leave, I’d be a hot mess in the middle of the office. So, I trudged home and took a nap (mind you, in the meantime I got an email from the apartment office saying I was missing $25 from my rent and also, someone didn’t leave the money they owed me for other bills). So, I was tired, pissy and overwhelmed. In fact, I was in tears.

A little nap, a change of clothes and some dinner later, I was off for Happy Hour drinks with the lunch friend. Surely this would bolster my mood!… Nope. Not even a Tequila Sunrise and four toasted raviolis (because this is STL!) could help what I was feeling. All it did was make me think about how fat I was and how I was never going to lose weight with these little “cheats” all the time.

So, here I lay on the couch, blogging about how pathetic I am after realizing I’m being a completely and ridiculously emotional girl. And I wonder why I’m single??

Which brings me to another topic. BOYS. Immature boys. Boys who lead you on and flirt with every other girl on the internet, boys who don’t pay you any attention when you walk into a room, and boys that you gave nearly everything to before they chose to walk out of your life without so much as a goodbye. And people have to wonder why I never want to get married??

I just want someone to love me as unconditionally as I love them. Is that really too much to ask? To find someone who can handle me at my worst PMSing moments and still think I’m incredible?

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