Choosing Happy

Help me, I’m dead.

I wish I was kidding. After an all-nighter driving I-70, a week of adventuring in the Rockies, a full day driving home and then another I-70 excursion to KC for the US Open Cup match in one day, I am dead. Sure, I’ve slept in until 10 and 11 all week (who even am I?!), but that hasn’t brought me back up to speed.

Today was the first day since Sunday that I’ve woken up before the double-digits hit the clock and I must admit that it was a rough start. And that’s coming from someone who prefers to be up before the sun… This morning was a struggle, physically, mentally and emotionally. I don’t know what my deal is lately, but my depression has hit an all-time high. However, I will not let it drag me down. I am more determined than ever to overcome the obstacles that are presently in my way and I will be damned if something as pitiful as depression deters me from the goals I have.

I am no longer a victim to depression or to fear. I am learning exactly what I want and what I am capable of. It’s taken me 25 years to figure it out, and now that I have, I will not be controlled by the things that don’t have my best interests at heart. I have dreams and I have goals and I will not be stopped.

Some days you just have to choose…

Some days are harder than others. Some days, it rains and I’m tired and all I want to do is curl up into a ball under my covers and sleep all day. But I don’t, not usually, anyway. Those are the days that I know if I succumb to my depression, I lose. Those are the days where it is the hardest, but it matters the most. It matters that I get up, get dressed and get things done.

Today, I woke up and just needed a hug. When my mom walked in, I cried and cried. I could go on about why, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I dried my tears and made it to my meeting at work on time. I’ve spent the past few hours sitting at a coffee shop accomplishing things for work and enjoying a coffee with my scone and biscotti (okay, so I’m also an emotional eater…). I’ve been watching the rain come down on this dreary day in Saint Louis and dreaming about the mountains, recognizing how I feel in this moment and realizing what I need to do to get me where I need and want to be.

Today is one of those days where you just have to choose, and today I choose to be happy.

October, finally.

October has been my favorite month since I was a freshman at MSU. I remember coming back to school on a sunny afternoon when the air was crisp and the wind was cool. As I stepped to the back of my car to grab my luggage, I remember looking around, noting how amazing it felt outside and realizing how much I loved October.

Come this October 10th, it will be two years since that terrible accident that changed a lot of my life. You would think that something like that, plus the fact that I’m not a huge fan of Halloween, might steal away my love for this month, but it hasn’t. I’m not sure why I love it so much, but I do. It’s just perfect.

Even today. Even when I’m exhausted from the wedding celebrations I attended this last weekend, even though I’ve been sitting in class and at my internship, and even if I have an essay due and two quizzes that need to be studied for by tomorrow. I’m still happy, I still am loving this first day October.

This weekend was amazing. At first, I was really unsure of going to the wedding – Taste of St Louis was this weekend, it was a lot of time in the car with my crazy family and it’s stressful to leave for a weekend during an insanely busy semester. But I am so incredibly glad that I did. We stayed in a cabin on the top of Mount Nebo, I ate so much food and drank soooo much beer, I met new friends, I saw my cousins that I hadn’t seen in years along with my aunt and uncle, and took two glorious hikes! Plus, I was able to spend the weekend with my amazing parents, sister and nieces. I couldn’t be happier about my decision to go, even if mom and I bickered a few times and I said that I should have stayed home.

The next month (well, ten weeks, actually) are going to be incredibly busy – yay for 18-credit hour semesters, internships, a job I barely get to work, family time, getting a campus organization off the ground and looking for a new place to live while trying to get into shape and get good grades! CRAZINESS, I’m telling ya. Therefore, I’m still going to be pretty vacant, but will try to keep this updated more often. But it’s all worth it and so close to being over! YAY!