My life, my choice.

I’ve been looking at graduate schools for a few months now, as graduation is quickly approaching at the end of the year. Today, I told my mom that I was looking into Webster Graduate School London. It didn’t take but two seconds before she began shooting down reasons that I shouldn’t go – I have a job offer here, I can take my master’s courses at Lindenwood for less than other schools, I don’t have to go into grad schools right away because other people settle into a job first and do it as they have time, she told me it was a bad decision to go to MSU first and knew I regretted it like I would regret having more financial debt after grad school – the list was endless.

It broke my heart. I understand her small-town contentment, but that’s not me. I am made for so much more, and I know it. But how do you get to more when you’re main source of support is dragging you down?

I have thought ten times over about grad school at LU and the job I’ve been offered after my internship is completed, I am thankful that these opportunities are at my disposal. But what if they’re not enough? What if I want to go somewhere new and experience things I have only ever dreamt of? I have had a desire to be in London for years. If I can get a Master’s in my field in London, for the same price I would pay out-of-state at any other university in the US, why wouldn’t I take that route? Why wouldn’t I do something I have always wanted to do? Why shouldn’t I?

I envy people who have had their undergraduate school paid for, as I will have an incredible amount of debt coming out. I didn’t know half the things I know now, and if I could go back and apply for more, I would. But I can’t. So I plan to do whatever it takes to see if I can get funding for grad school. Particularly, grad school in London.

This is what I want.
This is my choice.
This is my time.

Peace and contentment, oh how nice to finally meet you.

I am never content. EVER. I have this feeling that I always need to be doing more, seeing more, being more. And I’ve never been able to just live in the moment that I’m in.

Until recently.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with a lot of emotional baggage left by some jerk and feelings of self-worthlessness thanks to a bit of weight gain after a few accidents. But I’m putting all of that behind me. I know who I am, I know what I stand for, and I know what I want. Well, I mostly know what I want…I kind of usually just wing it. But I have a good, general idea of what I’d like to do in the next few years, and that’s good enough for me.

I’m finally figuring a lot of things out. I’m finally finding peace of mind. I’m learning to have faith. I’m learning to trust in the Lord. I’m learning, my God, am I learning.

I couldn’t do it without my amazing support system. My parents are everything. My parents pay my school expenses, they help with bills I can’t make when I don’t get enough hours, Daddy takes care of all my car’s needs, Mom listens to me rant and ramble and rant some more. They are seriously amazing. And I honestly have no idea where I would be today if it weren’t for them.

I have a handful of friends that I can truly count on. And to someone who has lost so many people throughout life, it’s the most wonderful feeling. To have friends who know your strengths and your weaknesses. Friends who know when you need a hug or when you need to just be left alone. Friends who offer support and encouragement, but kick you in the butt when they think you need it. Friends who teach you patience and self-control. Friends who push you to be better, because they know you can do it. Friends who let you beat yourself up for a bit, then tell you to pull up your big girl panties and get on with life. These are my friends, and I couldn’t have ever asked for better ones.

I’ve been seeking the Lord more. I’ve been spending time each morning in devotions, reading His word and praying. I don’t want this to be another “phase” in my walk. Where I start devotions and going to church and then get busy and backslide out of it. Never again do I want to be of this world.

This is a time in my life where I’m content, and I’m happy. Nothing is going to take that away.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8