I’m Really Bad at This…

I kind of suck…

Maybe someday I’ll get better at this whole blogging thing.

Or maybe not. I journal every morning, and since I’m never on my computer anymore (unless it’s to watch Netflix), I never think to blog.

Plus, who really needs to know every nitty-gritty detail about my ever-so-boring life?

Boring is Right

Oh, how mundane my life has become. I’m back to being employed, but it isn’t glamourous. Working as a Restaurant Manager is definitely not the “dream job” I had in mind when I received my Bachelor’s degree. No sir, not me, not at all. But it’s a job and it’s paying my bills at the moment (YAY for just paying off one of my credit cards and cutting it up!). It’s frustrating some days, and it can be stressful, and annoying, but I like most of the people I work with, I make a decent amount of money, and I’m not sitting on my butt all day.

But when did I lose my drive? When did I become so comfortable? When did I stop dreaming? When I realized I was in mounds of student loan debt? When I figured living at home and not paying rent meant I could pay off my credit cards?

Don’t get me wrong, I adore my family and I am ever so thankful to be home for the holidays, but this is not where I thought I’d be a year out of college. Not that everyone is where they expect to be at this time, it just seems like all my friends have it so together and here I at – back at home in a dead-end job failing miserably. I know it’s just my own point-of-view and lots of people think I’m doing great, but it’s not what I wanted. It’s not what I want.

I started serving at the Pub to make some extra cash while I continued job hunting. But a quick move to a management position left me with more hours at work and less worry about finding a career. I’m not sure why, but I stopped looking altogether. I became comfortable, thinking that this was where God wanted me for this season in my life. Not that I don’t think God has great plans for my life, because I truly believe that he does, and not that I don’t think I’m where I’m supposed to be according to his plan, because I’m learning and growing every single day. I’m just not sure that sitting on my butt after work every night doing nothing but waiting is going to open any doors or show me any life changing revelations.

So, I’m back to the job hunt. I’m going to apply for anything and everything, everywhere. I’m going to take the time and get down to business. I can’t sit idle any longer and watch life pass me by.

High Hopes

I’m still writing blogs for Once Upon a Time. It’s been a slow start up, as the CEO also works a full-time job and the entire organization is still in the beginning phases. But she asked me to stay on after I “interned” for the summer to continue blogging and working on the social media. I’m excited to do so, and hope that it will give me more experience and possibly open some doors in the future.

She said she’s received a lot of great feedbacks on my blogs, and that makes me happy. I love to write, it really is a passion of mine and I would love to make a career out of it. Honestly, if someone paid me to travel and write and give my opinion, I’d be the happiest girl. I have hopes that someday that will happen, that someday I’ll be flying all over the world experiencing new places and faces and things. Maybe it won’t happen. Maybe someday I’ll move to Maastricht and settle into the little city that I adore so much. Maybe I’ll marry the cute boy I run into at the gym every so often and stay in St. Louis.

My life is full of big hopes and uncertainty and limitless possibilities, and it’s time I got back on track to chasing them.

Well, hello again.

Busy Bee!

I’ve been vacant for about two weeks now and I miss blogging! I honestly couldn’t begin to tell you where the last few weeks have gone and now my favorite month is coming to a close all too quickly.

It has been busy! Midterms, work, weekends away – so much going on, but I absolutely love it.

Here goes nothing…

I have made the first few steps towards some MAJOR life changes, or transitions, as some psychology students might call them. I have decided that after I graduate in December, that I will move home for a few months. I have quit Victoria’s Secret and just broke the news that I would not be taking the position I was offered at the Ad Agency I have been interning at.

This was a HUGE decision for me, once that I have really been struggling with the past few months. I don’t see going home as a failure, although I see it as being in the middle of nowhere, with my entire family and out of a job – so it’s kind of scary. But more-so, I see it as an opportunity. I’m going to spend the holidays with my family, take a month or so off to travel through Western Europe, and then begin applying for jobs when I return.

I couldn’t be more terrified and thrilled for my decision. I really think it will give me a chance to figure out who I really am now that college is almost over, and it will help give me a sense of what I really want to do with my life. I can’t explain how much I need this time for myself. I can’t tell you how much I need this time with my family. I am so ready for this “break” to regroup.

I’m anticipating that many people are going to tell me it’s a terrible decision, but I don’t care what they think. This is my life and these are my decisions to make.

 

I’m ready.

Complacency.

When did I stop striving to be more? When did I lose sight of these goals and dreams I had and just settle for getting by and doing okay?

I have always had big plans. If I could be anywhere after graduation, I’d be in a city loft, working for a high-end magazine and taking photographs. Spending my free time scouring the city for beauty, working out at the gym and sending gifts home. Why am I not doing these things? When did I settle for staying in St. Charles, thinking about taking classes on photography and sign-language at the local community college while working a 9-5 job? Is it because I don’t think I can make it in a big city by myself? Or maybe I just need another year to save up some money, apply for jobs and then really make it big?

Sure, I’m at the tail-end of twenty-two, but while that seems so young, it feels so old. I see these people doing all the things I want to and wondering why I’m not, wondering what is stopping me. And then I realize, I’m what is stopping me.

I’m going to try not to disappear.

But I’m already drowning under chapters to be read, terms to study and summaries to complete.

I’m liking most of my classes so far, it’s just that they all require so much work. I’m hoping to find a weekend to visit Sam in Springfield and fly out to Vegas with Liana, but things are looking slim. I’ve decided that I’m not going to obsess over working out. I’m going to do it when I can, I’m going to eat well, and I’m going to keep working on my weight loss goals, but I will not stress myself out if I only get 4 half-hour workouts in a week instead of 6 hour long ones. I will be proud of myself for accomplishing what I can while maintaining my GPA, learning at my internship, working on weekends, planning Alpha Chi events, going to church, seeing my family and keeping my apartment from looking like a tornado hit it.

 

We’ll see how that goes.

 

I really love blogging for fun though, so I’m going to try to continue with that.  However, I’ve already seen my Facebook and Twitter activity slow though, so this could be next. So, if you read my blog, try to bear with me as I trudge through my final semester as an undergrad!! xx

This may get easier someday, but not today.

I’ve nearly accepted the fact that Matt is gone. It’s been so hard to wrap my head around it and all I’ve done is cry the last few days, but I’m beginning to accept that I’m just going to have to wait until I get to Heaven to hear his laugh again. It doesn’t mean I’m done crying, and it doesn’t mean that I’m not going to think about him everyday, but it means that I’ve nearly accepted it. I have some of the best memories with Matt and nothing can take those away from me.

I’m starting my workouts back up after my weekend off. I’m not looking forward to it, but know I’ll feel amazing afterwards. I’ve just had no energy the last few days! Honestly, I’m not sure how I made it through this weekend but having so much going on kept me busy and my mind off things. Friday I worked and then went to the Festival of the Little Hills with my mom and Chantal. We ate amazing greek food and walked around for a bit. Then Saturday I worked all day, grabbed dinner and a nap, then went back down to the festival with Melissa. I found a few Christmas gifts and then we came back to my apartment and watched The Hunger Games and talked. I’m not a HUGE movie fan, and usually catch the movies about 3 years after they come out, but she talked me into watching it, and I didn’t hate it. We were up pretty late, but I still made sure to get up for church on Sunday. I’ve been going to Church on the Rock in St. Peters for about three weeks now and I REALLY like it. Pastor Blunt has been speaking on Vision and Victory, and it’s really changing the way I look at things. I’m so lucky I stumbled upon this church, it’s exactly what I need at this time in my life. After church, I laid around for an hour before heading to my aunt’s house for lunch. She made turkey burgers, corn on the cob and cucumber/tomato salad. It was delicious. Plus, it was gorgeous outside. It was great to spend the day relaxing with two of my aunts and my cousin, it had been awhile since I’d seen them. After that, I stopped at the wax center to take care of some, uh, business, came home and attempted to make protein pancakes for dinner (they weren’t that good, I’m going to have to find a different recipe…), then cleaned my apartment before showering and watching 4 (yeah, ridiculous) episodes of Pretty Little Liars (which I really liked).

So right now, I’m letting my breakfast digest a bit and then I’m hitting the gym for a run and some weight training. I’m going to meet mom at the mall later, talk to Jenny about transferring back to West County (I hate working at the VS in Mid Rivers), and see some friends. I think it’s going to be a good day off, then it’s gung-ho, here we go as my internship starts for the week, work all weekend and then school on Monday. Things are about to get even crazier!

Saturdays by the sea.

If only I was sitting by the sea. Somewhere on the coast where there isn’t a care in the world. Feeling the breeze blushing my face and hearing the sound of seagulls in the distance is something I can close my eyes and sense, even when I’m nearly 2,000 miles away from the west coast. It’s an incredible feeling, and it’d be even more incredible if I were there.

But I’m not.

Instead, I’m sitting in my little midwestern one-bedroom apartment, wishing I was on the coast. Vacations are nice, but I never want to come home. Coming back to “reality” and work after a few days off of work is hard enough, coming back after being somewhere you love is even worse. May seems to long ago, and I need a vacation and the ocean again.

I miss California quite terribly.

However, reality is here to stay for awhile. Classes start up the week after next and I’m going to be slammed. But I’m not going to overwhelm myself with work, especially since I’ll be interning. I’m going to make this semester worth it. I’m going to be focusing on classes and Alpha Chi a lot. I’m going to be the best darn intern I can be, and I’m going to work a few hours a week, just for some extra cash. Luckily, I have a check coming in that will cover most of this semester’s expenses (and then some), so I’m going to be able to focus on school and making the most out of my last semester in college. I’m very fortunate. Plus, I need to have time to keep working on this hot body…haha, right…maybe GETTING a hot body!

Today, I rode my bike to the gym, did half an hour of leg machines, did twenty minutes of abs/back exercise and then rode my bike home. Finished it off with a nice protein shake (protein, soy and coconut milk, flax, spinach, mushrooms, mixed berries and oats!!) and this quick blog. Then, I’m off to clean the apartment before I head into work for a few hours. I’m unsure if I like the new store or not yet. I like the girls, and the manager is super nice. But it isn’t my store, they aren’t my girls. And the one supervisor is going to get on my nerves. I think it will be okay though. Like my mom said, the last store didn’t start out as “my store” and they weren’t “my girls” until I really got in there and started working. I hope it becomes home-like soon. I hate uncomfortableness. But, it’s hours and money. And ultimately, new friends. Yeah, I think I’ll be okay.

I’m a pretty lucky girl, even if I’m not spending my Saturday afternoon on the beach.

How fickle my heart, how woozy my eyes.

I’ve been in this funk lately and up until today, it didn’t really hit me as of why. I’m friggin’ PMSing! Man, sometimes I hate being a woman (ha, did y’all see what I did there?).

Today sucked. Not just a little bit, but a whole lot. My workout at 6:30am was wonderful, then I took a nice shower and drank a protein smoothie before heading off to work. And that’s when it started. I was sitting at the computer trying to work on blogs and SEO projects when I couldn’t concentrate. I became drowsy and lethargic. Which was quite opposite of the runners high I had been having all morning.

I went to lunch with a friend (I didn’t eat anything though, Five Guys and a diet don’t work well together), then came back and tried getting back to work. By 2:30, I knew that if I didn’t leave, I’d be a hot mess in the middle of the office. So, I trudged home and took a nap (mind you, in the meantime I got an email from the apartment office saying I was missing $25 from my rent and also, someone didn’t leave the money they owed me for other bills). So, I was tired, pissy and overwhelmed. In fact, I was in tears.

A little nap, a change of clothes and some dinner later, I was off for Happy Hour drinks with the lunch friend. Surely this would bolster my mood!… Nope. Not even a Tequila Sunrise and four toasted raviolis (because this is STL!) could help what I was feeling. All it did was make me think about how fat I was and how I was never going to lose weight with these little “cheats” all the time.

So, here I lay on the couch, blogging about how pathetic I am after realizing I’m being a completely and ridiculously emotional girl. And I wonder why I’m single??

Which brings me to another topic. BOYS. Immature boys. Boys who lead you on and flirt with every other girl on the internet, boys who don’t pay you any attention when you walk into a room, and boys that you gave nearly everything to before they chose to walk out of your life without so much as a goodbye. And people have to wonder why I never want to get married??

I just want someone to love me as unconditionally as I love them. Is that really too much to ask? To find someone who can handle me at my worst PMSing moments and still think I’m incredible?

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