Oh July, where did you go?

July? What am I talking about, where did the other six months of this year go?

Life in General

I’ve been back from Europe for nearly five months now. I’m still jobless (though to be completely honest, my hunt has been lacking – there’s not much in St. Louis that I feel competent enough to do, and I haven’t heard back from any of the jobs I have applied for, therefore, the search just leads to being depressed and wanting to binge on gluten-free cacao chip cookies while taking breaks between sob sessions).

So I’ve been spending my days working out, laying out and trying to figure out my life. I have no real direction, and while that slightly scares me, I have an incredible peace about it. I know that peace only comes from the Lord, and I’m incredibly thankful to know that He is the one directing my life and that He has a plan for me, though I still have no idea what that may be.

Living at home has proven to be just as stressful as I assumed it would be, as there are way too many people under this roof. On top of that, my mother thinks I’m just out to make her miserable. I don’t smile enough or talk enough (and when I do, she says it’s sarcastic or disrespectful), I don’t wipe down the counters sufficiently (but, let’s not forget the fact that I do all the cooking, dish-washing and I do wipe down the counters), I don’t do this or that when I should or shouldn’t. Aren’t our relationship with our parents supposed to get better as we get older? Somewhere between high school and college we started losing the close relationship we had, and we’ve yet to be able to figure out how to get it back. I don’t know how to change any of this. I work on it and it seems like things are going well, then she goes off on me again. I’m not saying it’s completely her mood swings, but it can’t always be me (which she seems to think it is, though everyone else in the house can attest to it being her, as she gets this way with nearly everyone). Sorry for the rant, it just happened again, so it’s fresh on my mind. I love my mom, I honestly do. She has always provided for me, even when she had to go without to do it. I just wish I knew how to “fix” this. Any advice?

Workouts and Diet

My workouts have been intense lately. I was lifting heavy with less reps for quite awhile, but have joined a group of girls on Facebook who are creating workouts that are both challenging and really switching it up with the lighter lifts and higher reps. I love it though, and can already tell a huge difference just in the first week.

My diet is pretty much the same from day-to-day: protein, veggies, fruit, healthy fats. I eat a lot of the same things, but try to switch it up here and there, since I don’t want my body getting used to any one things. It’s hard when you’ve cut nearly everything out of your diet (I’ve been eating gluten, dairy, egg, corn and shrimp free). It’s actually been going really well. For those of you who think you could never cut all that out, I assure you that it gets easier with practice. When you feel so miserable whenever you eat any of that stuff, cutting it out is the most rewarding option. Plus, all that clean eating really helps with the cutting weight and healthy lifestyle.

I’ve also signed up to be a Beachbody Coach. I’m loving it so far! Although I’m still trying to get my follower count up. So if you’re interested, follow along on my journey through Facebook, Instagram and WordPress! Oops, nothing like a little self-advertising on my own blog, right? Haha.

Love Life

….what’s that?

I attempted this chat app. Which I suppose is a lot like online dating. And it sucks. One guy pretty much catfished me (really funny, now that I look back on it — I didn’t even know what that was until I started talking to a person on that app and they told me to Google it). I went to the Blake Shelton with another guy on Friday night. Talk about awkward. The drunk older women in front of us made a big deal about this “first date”, but by the end of it, two of them pulled me aside at separate times to advise me not to go on a second date with him. I had already planned not doing so before we even got to the concert, as I had “friend-zoned” him about three weeks ago. This probably makes me sound like a douche, but I really just wanted to see Blake Shelton, and figured it was as good of time as any to give this guy a chance. Thank goodness for the concert and the hilarious entertainment around me, otherwise I would have been miserable. After the concert, I met up with another guy I met on the app (who happened to know people I know, so it wasn’t quite as awkward). We sat outside by a fire for a few hours just chatting, and I thought it went fairly well, but I haven’t really heard from him since. So, guess that’s already finished.

I realize now why I have never liked the concept of dating. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and disappointing. But, at least now I can say I gave it a go, right?

Adios

I’m fairly sure that’s all the news I have at the moment. I’m sure there’s more that I will think of as soon as I post this, but oh well. I’m going to try to post more frequently, as every few months really isn’t enough.

I’m off to finish grilling dinner (we ran out of propane, so dad had to run to the gas station) and then stuff my face. When all else fails, my love of food does not.

Happy Sunday, loves! xx

I’m going to try not to disappear.

But I’m already drowning under chapters to be read, terms to study and summaries to complete.

I’m liking most of my classes so far, it’s just that they all require so much work. I’m hoping to find a weekend to visit Sam in Springfield and fly out to Vegas with Liana, but things are looking slim. I’ve decided that I’m not going to obsess over working out. I’m going to do it when I can, I’m going to eat well, and I’m going to keep working on my weight loss goals, but I will not stress myself out if I only get 4 half-hour workouts in a week instead of 6 hour long ones. I will be proud of myself for accomplishing what I can while maintaining my GPA, learning at my internship, working on weekends, planning Alpha Chi events, going to church, seeing my family and keeping my apartment from looking like a tornado hit it.

 

We’ll see how that goes.

 

I really love blogging for fun though, so I’m going to try to continue with that.  However, I’ve already seen my Facebook and Twitter activity slow though, so this could be next. So, if you read my blog, try to bear with me as I trudge through my final semester as an undergrad!! xx

This may get easier someday, but not today.

I’ve nearly accepted the fact that Matt is gone. It’s been so hard to wrap my head around it and all I’ve done is cry the last few days, but I’m beginning to accept that I’m just going to have to wait until I get to Heaven to hear his laugh again. It doesn’t mean I’m done crying, and it doesn’t mean that I’m not going to think about him everyday, but it means that I’ve nearly accepted it. I have some of the best memories with Matt and nothing can take those away from me.

I’m starting my workouts back up after my weekend off. I’m not looking forward to it, but know I’ll feel amazing afterwards. I’ve just had no energy the last few days! Honestly, I’m not sure how I made it through this weekend but having so much going on kept me busy and my mind off things. Friday I worked and then went to the Festival of the Little Hills with my mom and Chantal. We ate amazing greek food and walked around for a bit. Then Saturday I worked all day, grabbed dinner and a nap, then went back down to the festival with Melissa. I found a few Christmas gifts and then we came back to my apartment and watched The Hunger Games and talked. I’m not a HUGE movie fan, and usually catch the movies about 3 years after they come out, but she talked me into watching it, and I didn’t hate it. We were up pretty late, but I still made sure to get up for church on Sunday. I’ve been going to Church on the Rock in St. Peters for about three weeks now and I REALLY like it. Pastor Blunt has been speaking on Vision and Victory, and it’s really changing the way I look at things. I’m so lucky I stumbled upon this church, it’s exactly what I need at this time in my life. After church, I laid around for an hour before heading to my aunt’s house for lunch. She made turkey burgers, corn on the cob and cucumber/tomato salad. It was delicious. Plus, it was gorgeous outside. It was great to spend the day relaxing with two of my aunts and my cousin, it had been awhile since I’d seen them. After that, I stopped at the wax center to take care of some, uh, business, came home and attempted to make protein pancakes for dinner (they weren’t that good, I’m going to have to find a different recipe…), then cleaned my apartment before showering and watching 4 (yeah, ridiculous) episodes of Pretty Little Liars (which I really liked).

So right now, I’m letting my breakfast digest a bit and then I’m hitting the gym for a run and some weight training. I’m going to meet mom at the mall later, talk to Jenny about transferring back to West County (I hate working at the VS in Mid Rivers), and see some friends. I think it’s going to be a good day off, then it’s gung-ho, here we go as my internship starts for the week, work all weekend and then school on Monday. Things are about to get even crazier!

Saturdays by the sea.

If only I was sitting by the sea. Somewhere on the coast where there isn’t a care in the world. Feeling the breeze blushing my face and hearing the sound of seagulls in the distance is something I can close my eyes and sense, even when I’m nearly 2,000 miles away from the west coast. It’s an incredible feeling, and it’d be even more incredible if I were there.

But I’m not.

Instead, I’m sitting in my little midwestern one-bedroom apartment, wishing I was on the coast. Vacations are nice, but I never want to come home. Coming back to “reality” and work after a few days off of work is hard enough, coming back after being somewhere you love is even worse. May seems to long ago, and I need a vacation and the ocean again.

I miss California quite terribly.

However, reality is here to stay for awhile. Classes start up the week after next and I’m going to be slammed. But I’m not going to overwhelm myself with work, especially since I’ll be interning. I’m going to make this semester worth it. I’m going to be focusing on classes and Alpha Chi a lot. I’m going to be the best darn intern I can be, and I’m going to work a few hours a week, just for some extra cash. Luckily, I have a check coming in that will cover most of this semester’s expenses (and then some), so I’m going to be able to focus on school and making the most out of my last semester in college. I’m very fortunate. Plus, I need to have time to keep working on this hot body…haha, right…maybe GETTING a hot body!

Today, I rode my bike to the gym, did half an hour of leg machines, did twenty minutes of abs/back exercise and then rode my bike home. Finished it off with a nice protein shake (protein, soy and coconut milk, flax, spinach, mushrooms, mixed berries and oats!!) and this quick blog. Then, I’m off to clean the apartment before I head into work for a few hours. I’m unsure if I like the new store or not yet. I like the girls, and the manager is super nice. But it isn’t my store, they aren’t my girls. And the one supervisor is going to get on my nerves. I think it will be okay though. Like my mom said, the last store didn’t start out as “my store” and they weren’t “my girls” until I really got in there and started working. I hope it becomes home-like soon. I hate uncomfortableness. But, it’s hours and money. And ultimately, new friends. Yeah, I think I’ll be okay.

I’m a pretty lucky girl, even if I’m not spending my Saturday afternoon on the beach.

How fickle my heart, how woozy my eyes.

I’ve been in this funk lately and up until today, it didn’t really hit me as of why. I’m friggin’ PMSing! Man, sometimes I hate being a woman (ha, did y’all see what I did there?).

Today sucked. Not just a little bit, but a whole lot. My workout at 6:30am was wonderful, then I took a nice shower and drank a protein smoothie before heading off to work. And that’s when it started. I was sitting at the computer trying to work on blogs and SEO projects when I couldn’t concentrate. I became drowsy and lethargic. Which was quite opposite of the runners high I had been having all morning.

I went to lunch with a friend (I didn’t eat anything though, Five Guys and a diet don’t work well together), then came back and tried getting back to work. By 2:30, I knew that if I didn’t leave, I’d be a hot mess in the middle of the office. So, I trudged home and took a nap (mind you, in the meantime I got an email from the apartment office saying I was missing $25 from my rent and also, someone didn’t leave the money they owed me for other bills). So, I was tired, pissy and overwhelmed. In fact, I was in tears.

A little nap, a change of clothes and some dinner later, I was off for Happy Hour drinks with the lunch friend. Surely this would bolster my mood!… Nope. Not even a Tequila Sunrise and four toasted raviolis (because this is STL!) could help what I was feeling. All it did was make me think about how fat I was and how I was never going to lose weight with these little “cheats” all the time.

So, here I lay on the couch, blogging about how pathetic I am after realizing I’m being a completely and ridiculously emotional girl. And I wonder why I’m single??

Which brings me to another topic. BOYS. Immature boys. Boys who lead you on and flirt with every other girl on the internet, boys who don’t pay you any attention when you walk into a room, and boys that you gave nearly everything to before they chose to walk out of your life without so much as a goodbye. And people have to wonder why I never want to get married??

I just want someone to love me as unconditionally as I love them. Is that really too much to ask? To find someone who can handle me at my worst PMSing moments and still think I’m incredible?

The seasons are merciless.

Today was, okay. I didn’t get my butt up out of bed in time for a morning workout, but I got ready and didn’t have to rush, which is always nice.  I even had time to do my devotions. At my internship, I played around on a new networking site, Klout, edited some webpages using WordPress and read a few blogs.

It was a pretty easy day, but I’m still so sleepy from our trip to Kentucky that I wasn’t much for functioning. I took a short nap after work, ran to the bank, picked up some groceries from Aldi’s (love that store!) and then met the girls at El Maguey for margaritas before finishing off my day with a run and a shower.

I’m beginning to feel so free.

I’m finally learning to do what I love and enjoy where I’m at in life, without always biting at the bit for the next adventure. All day, I argued with myself about whether or not I was going to go have margaritas. My diet really didn’t need them after everything I ate this weekend, and I surely don’t have the extra money to go out, but I wanted to see the girls (and knew, as a social drinker, that I couldn’t not have food and a drink).

I had a really great time though, we laughed and made plans for the fall, and I don’t regret that jumbo margarita (because who ever just goes for the regular size?).  I even made myself run after we went out. Sure, it wasn’t my most intense workout ever, but it wasn’t my worst. My running and breathing is getting better, even easier. I know that I can’t “fix” the last four days of bad eating in one workout, so why try to kill myself thinking that I can?

I’ve come to realize that it’s all about your mindset. And I’ve come to realize, that my mind is finally starting to find its way back to me.

Where has my mind gone?

Seriously. I can’t remember anything. I can remember basic things, like how an intimate conversation went or how to work the register at work. But as far as big, important things, like remembering to drop my summer class and apply for graduation? Yeah, nope.

My mind has been everywhere and nowhere lately. I thought it was just me, but even mom has said she gets hazy and can’t remember things. Now, there is a 33 year age difference between us and so I should definitely be able to remember much more than she can. But ever since the accident, I haven’t been able to retain or remember much of anything. When I first got the concussion, sites I found and doctors I talked to said that I should only be experiencing those types of memory problems for 3-6 months. However, it’s been nearly two years since the accident and I still haven’t gotten any better with remembering things, like calling to make an eye doctor appointment or check on an insurance bill.

It’s like I block out the most important things. I make lists, but half the time I lose those or don’t remember to look at them. This mental block just bothers and saddens me so much. I don’t like when people blame their circumstances, and so I try not to blame the accident for things like putting on weight because I messed up my knee or for not being able to remember anything after the concussion, but when I didn’t have these problems before, it’s hard not to blame the accident for how things are now.

I think the worst part of everything, is knowing how I can be. I know my potential. I know what my memory ability  was and how my workouts use to be. And now, now I’m comparing how they use to be to how they are now, which is nothing in comparison and it bums me out.

I know that I can’t go back to that day and change the things that happened, and I know some things may never go back to the way that they were before the accident. So right now, I’m just trying to keep my head where it belongs and build back up to workout the best I can to drop weight. It isn’t easy. In fact, it’s never been so hard. But I know I can do it. I have to.